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Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to Netflix.com

From: Netflix
To: FastLaugh
Subject: Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to Netflix.com
Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2011

Dear Subscriber,

Reed was way too fucking embarrassed to send you another email himself. And besides, after that last one when he announced Qwikster, the Netflix Board of Directors refused to even let him see this one before we sent it out from ‘The Netflix Team.’

As you can now see, you are finally receiving this belated email several hours after news had already widely broken of our panicked decision to reverse our recent, deeply flawed decision where we arrogantly decided to split Netflix into two divisions without fully considering public sentiment.

At first, we thought we could get away with not even sending you an email at all today, but then, unfortunately, one of our interns noticed that it was Columbus Day and therefore a very slow news day. In retrospect, we definitely should have made this announcement last Wednesday afternoon when everyone was preoccupied with Steve Jobs.

Based upon the blizzard of media and public ridicule, the plunge of our stock, the massive subscription cancellations and downgrades, and all of the indignant hatemail that we received, it became painfully clear that for many of our members two websites was the deal-breaker, so we are kicking Qwikster to the dumpster and we are going to keep Netflix as one place to go for streaming and DVDs. Are you fucking happy now, asshole?

This means no change: one website, one account, one password… in other words, no Qwikster. Besides, we just could not get that stoner dude to give up his Twitter name.

Wait, come to think of it, there actually was one change. Stoner dude changed his weed-smoking, cartoon Elmo avatar.

While the July price gouge was necessary, we are now done with price changes until the next time.

We’re constantly increasing our streaming selection, however, most of it is stuff you have no interest in seeing at all.

Until we fuck up again and need to re-re-apologize,

The Netflix Team