Archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh, smugging for the camera, in this Palm Beach County Florida Sheriff's Office booking photo from his April 2006 arrest on drug charges. (Florida Government photo in the public domain)
Limbaugh: Tests confirm no heart, “Phantom Heart Syndrome”
by shf
January 3, 2010
HONOLULU (FASTLAUGH.com) – Archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves this morning to assure his faithful listeners that he was on the mend following two days of testing and hospitalization upon experiencing what he characterized as “…excruciating chest pains, the likes of which should only happen to liberals!”
Limbaugh, 58, experienced sharp chest pains early Wednesday morning during his daily warm-up bloviation at the shaving mirror.
Vacationing at a nearby Hawaiian resort, he was rushed to The Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu where an angiogram was quickly administered to attempt a diagnosis of the source of his chest pain.
Results conclusively revealed that Limbaugh’s autonomic nervous system, triggered by some vestigial emotion during the holiday season, had caused him to experience an episode of Phantom Heart Syndrome.
Limbaugh, the most influential conservative voice in the U.S. according to a recent poll, has the nation’s highest-rated radio show with an estimated audience of between 14 and 20 million people listening to his screed at least once a week.
“The pain was real, and at first the doctors were not quite sure what had triggered it,” Limbaugh told listeners, “…then the tests revealed that I had a spasm in the cavity where my heart used to be. But the good news is that doctors found no trace of heart. They found absolutely no heart. It was a blessing. No heart whatsoever.”
Limbaugh added, “When I sold my soul years ago, my heart went along with it as part of the package deal. This Phantom Heart thing really hurt! I just hope that I never experience a pain like that again, especially where my conscience used to be.”