Limbaugh issues statement on Cheney cardiac episode
Febraury 23, 2010
by shf
WASHINGTON (FASTLAUGH.com) — Bloviating archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh quickly took to the airwaves this afternoon to issue the following statement regarding former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent cardiac episode:
“First, let me assure you — my loyal and obediant servants — that my dear friend, former U.S. President, er, I mean Vice President, Dick Cheney is resting comfortably at George Washington University Hospital this afternoon following his recent cardiac episode.
Mr. Cheney was rushed to the hospital yesterday after experiencing chest pains and quickly underwent a stress test. Following that, a heart catheterization was attempted to diagnosis the source of his chest pain.
Much like my recent experience in Hawaii during the Christmas holidays, Mr. Cheney experienced excruciating chest pains, the likes of which should only happen to liberals! … and just like the results from my hospitalization and testing, it was confirmed that he has Phantom Heart Syndrome.
Mr. Cheney’s results conclusively revealed that his autonomic nervous system, triggered by some vestigial emotion from his annual Valentine’s Day romp a few days ago, had caused him to experience an episode of Phantom Heart Syndrome.
Both of us being rich, pampered white guys with great medical insurance are certainly assured of getting top-notch medical care, and our odds of survival are significantly better than those liberals with their socialized medicine and death panels would ever, ever allow.
When we both sold our souls years ago, our hearts went along with it as part of the package deal. This Phantom Heart thing really hurts, let me tell you! I just hope that neither of us ever experiences a pain like that again, especially where our conscience’s used to be.
Again, in an eerie parallel of my own experience, his pain was real and the tests revealed that he had a spasm in the cavity where his heart used to be. But the good news is that doctors found no trace of heart. What a blessing. They found absolutely no heart. No heart whatsoever.
[Rush Limbaugh is the most influential conservative voice in the U.S. according to a recent poll, and has the nation's highest-rated radio show with an estimated audience of between 14 and 20 million people listening to his screed at least once a week.]