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March 21, 2014 – Update

March 21, 2014

Yeah, it’s been quite a while since I’ve added anything to the blog. I’ve been busy with @FastLaugh and @TheHashtagGame on Twitter, and preparing to bring to life. Watch this space for exciting details to come soon.

January 1, 2013: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

@FastLaugh #LessonsFromTheTwilightZone The recipes in translated cookbooks always call for ‘Mystery Meat’

@FastLaugh #LessonsFromTheTwilightZone That episode where all of the Jan Brady mannequins keep saying “Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!” really creeps me out

@FastLaugh #FailedZyngaGames Congressville

@FastLaugh #SignsOfMayanApocalypseDelayedArrival Honey Boo Boo appearing on CNN NYE with AC and Kathy Griffin

@FastLaugh #MedievalPublicServiceAnnouncements “If this Plague Cart’s a Rockin’, Black Death’s Come a Knockin’”

@FastLaugh #MedievalPublicServiceAnnouncements “Take a bite out of pillaging” ~ McGruff the Rabid Pillage Dog

@FastLaugh #MedievalPublicServiceAnnouncements “Jousting and Texting Don’t Mix”

Hope you enjoyed @TheHashtagGame and got a @FastLaugh ~ shf

May 27, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema The Shawshemp Redemption

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema To Besser, with Love

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema One Larry Fine Day

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema Eyes Poked Shut

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema Like Why I Oughta For Chocolate

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema Bring Me You Knucklehead Of Alfredo Garcia

@FastLaugh #ThreeStoogesCinema How Stella Got Her Stooge Back

Hope you enjoyed @TheHashtagGame and got a @FastLaugh ~ shf

May 2, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms The Mitochondrial McCoys

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms Cro-Magnon in the Middle

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms Neanderthal in the Family

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms Saved By The Peat

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms When Things Were Molten

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms The Morey Amberdam Show

@FastLaugh #ArchaeoSitcoms Tyler Perry’s House of Pompeiin

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Chai a Lapsang Souchong Around the Old Smoked Tea

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Rooibos Tuesday

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Anything by Chamomilee Vanilli

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Oye Como Kava

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Anything by Bergamot the Hoople

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes Anything by Nicki Jasminaj

@FastLaugh #TeaTunes The First Cup is the Steepest

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Bend it Like Malbeckham

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Gewurztraminer’s Daughter

@FastLaugh #WineFilms The Chardonnay We Were

@FastLaugh #WineFilms To Syrah, With Love

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Along Came Polyphenols

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Mrs. Bordeauxfire

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Zinfandeliverance

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Corky Romano

@FastLaugh #WineFilms White Men Decant Jump

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Tannin 1/2 Weeks

@FastLaugh #WineFilms The Muscat in the Hat

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Iron Manischewitz

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Cork and Mindy

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Petite Syrah Junction

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Sonoma Improvement

@FastLaugh #WineFilms Winefeld

Hope you enjoyed @TheHashtagGame and got a @FastLaugh ~ shf

March 7, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Trampolina Jolie (gold medal for legbombing)

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Rowing Atkinson

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Taekwando Sykes

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Hockey Graziano

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Fencer Tracy

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Judo Law

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Skate Winslet

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Red Skeleton

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Luge Grant

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Teri Water Polo

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames John Vault

@FastLaugh #FamousOlympicNames Greco-Roman Polanski

@FastLaugh #HairyCelebs Beard Al Yankovic

@FastLaugh #HairyCelebs Brush Limbaugh

@FastLaugh #HairyCelebs Perry Combo

Hope you enjoyed @TheHashtagGame and got a @FastLaugh ~ shf

March 6, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

@FastLaugh #EnglishMajorFoods “The Porterhouse of Parmigiano-Reggiano”

@FastLaugh #EnglishMajorFoods “The Catcher in the Rye Bread”

@FastLaugh #EnglishMajorFoods “No Country For Old Hens”

@FastLaugh #SitcomsPolitics “Punky Newtster”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Breakfast At Mastiffany’s”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Ridgeback Houndton”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “About A Borzoi”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “A Bichon Collied Hounda”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Bark/Off”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Raging Bulldog”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Crouching Terrier, Hidden Urine”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “If It’s Shih Tzusday, This Must Be Belgium”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “The Growl With The Fangs Chewed The Shoe”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “The Incredible Loudness of Barking”

@FastLaugh #DogMovieParodies “Shar Pei It Forward”

Hope you enjoyed @TheHashtagGame and got a @FastLaugh ~ shf

March 4, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #TheHashtagGame tweets from @FastLaugh. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


~ Romneysium: Solid, liquid or gas depending upon the audience.

~ Rushium: Primordial solid at room temperature; converts to unstable hot gas when exposed to a radio audience.

~ Newtium: Ignoble gas; half-wife of a few years, then attaches to Youngblondium.

~ Dickcheneyum: Highly radioactive in 2012; excessively long half-life despite rapid rate of moral decay.

~ Transvajayjayum: Combined with Ultrasoundium, creates extremely volatile Uproarium; by-product is Mockeryum.

~ Marcusbachmannium: Exhibits strong, intermolecular dipole-dipole attraction; forms discrete covalent bonds despite denials.

~ Santorium: Viscous solid, prone to extreme frothiness when combined with Arsenic.


“I Love Oxy”


“Sophie No Longer Has A Choice”
“A Dangerous Rhythm Method”
“The Adventures of Oxycontintin”
“Blame it on Oxy”
“Ignoramus Basterds”
“Plump Fiction”
“The Birther of a Nation”
“Mouth Wide Open”
“Dial M for Misogynist”
“The Merchant of Venom”
“Grouchy Liar, Hidden Agenda”
“Eternal Darkness of the Grandiose Mind”
“Minority Deport”


“Pretty in Pink in the Middle”


Yak, Yak, Yak
Dinosnores, such as Triteceratops

Hope you enjoyed #TheHashtagGame… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

March 2, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #TheHashtagGame tweets from @FastLaugh. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


“When Gerald McGrew is running the zoo, the first thing he’ll do is tame that damn shrew”
“There’s a Wocket in My Shylocket”
“Wet Petruchio, Dry Petruchio, Your Petruchio, My Petruchio”
“When The Lorax Met Sycorax”
“Hoopeter Thumperdink…? Not Him!”
“Off with his Daisy-Head Mayzie!” – (King Richard III: Act III, Scene IV)
“The Doctor Butts Battle Book”
“Green Eggs and Buckingham”


Abbott and Elvis Costello
Carrot ZZ Top
Monty Whitesnake
Sly and the Family Poundstone
Poundstone Temple Pilots
Steppen Fred Wolf
George Carlin and Parliament-Funkadelic
Guns N’ Roseanne
Gary Daryl Wright (Joke Weaver)
Kevin Neilon Young
Greg FitzSimplyRed
Brian Phishler and his Guide Dog Crosby, Stills and Nash
Pablo Cruise Francisco
The Psychedelic Bill Burrs
Thin Lizzy Winstead
The Grateful Fred Armisen
Van Woody Hallen
Elfman Lake and Palmer
Christopher Titus Andronicus
Fleetwood Bernie Mac

Hope you enjoyed #TheHashtagGame… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Pepper Spray Cop Legbombing Tebow

Feb. 26, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #TheHashtagGame tweets from @FastLaugh. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


“Anything from the soundtrack of ‘Star Trek II: Since You’ve Been Khan’”
“Smoke on the Walter”
“Rock You Like A Hudsoncane”
“In-A-Gadda-Danny-DaVito” by L. Ron Hubbardfly


“The Baking of Cured Ham 1 2 3″
“The Girl With The Chicken Ragout”
“A Ewe To A Roadkill”
“Rashermon of Bacon”


“How I Melt Your Mondseer”


“Vols. 1 & 2 of the ‘Orange’ Trilogy (“A Sundial Orange” and “An Hourglass Orange”)”
“The Phantom Of The Karaoke Lounge”
“The Scoliosis Dude Of Notre-Dame”
“Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and First-Year Med Student Hyde”
“Little Lord Of The Fauntlerflies”
“As You Meh! It”
“The Meh! Of Being Earnest”
“The Thumbnail Avatar Of Dorian Gray”
“From Sherman Oaks To LAX On The 405 In Eighty Days”
“Uncle Tom’s Yurt”
“The Rather Ordinary Gatsby”
“No Ado Whatsoever”
“A Midsummer Night’s Episode Of Restless Leg Syndrome That Kept Him From Getting Much REM Sleep At All”
“The Door-to-Door Paddler of Venice” (he sold Gorgondola cheese, as I recall)
“Far from the Maddowing Crowd”
“Charles Mansonfield Park”
“Crime and Warning”
“Anna Kareighta”
“The Puppy of the Baskervilles: The Training Papers”
“Gulliver’s Expedia Snafu”
“Slaughterhouse-beta version 0.9″

Hope you enjoyed #TheHashtagGame… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 24, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #TheHashtagGame tweets from @FastLaugh. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


“Downton Crooklyn”
“Mo’ Better Hill Street Blues”
“Malcolm X in the Middle”
“Private School Daze”
“2 Little Broke Girls”
“Summer of Samantha Who?
“New Jersey Shore Drive”
“Doogie the Right Thing Howser, M.D.”


“Hertz So Good” by John Cougar Mellen Amp
“Anything by EMFrson Lake and Transformer”
“Come Ohm Down To My Volt Baby” by Every Mother’s Sun
“Chargin’ Amperes’ Megahertz Sub-Band” by The Heatles


“Lost In Hollywood”
“At Birdland, Singing Lullabies”
“She Didn’t Lubbock So She Left It”
“At The Sad Cafe, But In A New York State Of Mind”
“She Was Stuck In Kokomo, Indiana, But Dreaming About Montego Bay”
“Strawberry Fields Forever… That’s Why You Haven’t Seen Her Around In A Long Time”
“Down Under In The Love Shack” [sorry, sorry... couldn't resist]
“She Was Hiding Out In S. Korea, Behind The Doors At The Seoul Kitchen”


“La Cosa Napstra”
“Ya gimme a qwawta every mawnin’ an I make sure ya get ya juice box.”
“Lay down fuh ya nap or ya be sleepin’ wit da fishes!”

Hope you enjoyed #TheHashtagGame… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 19, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #IndianBeatles tweets from @FastLaugh and others. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


@FastLaugh “Eleanor Curry” ~ “Baati, You’re a Rich Naan” ~ “Dahlo, Gobhi” ~ “Lady Madhya”

RT @PaulLesner1 “Balti in the USSR” ~ “Dhansak me Down” ~ “Dhal Tripper”

RT @saj1964 “Oh-Bla-Di, Oh-Bla-Dahl” ~ “Glass Onion Bhaji”

RT @AlegnaNosnhoj “Tikka to Ride”

RT @AntBeal “Paperback Riata”

Follow these funny people on Twitter: @PaulLesner1 @saj1964 @AlegnaNosnhoj @AntBeal

Hope you enjoyed #IndianBeatles… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 18, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #WhatTheyShouldReallyBeCalled tweets from @FastLaugh and others. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


RT @MyVogonPoetry “Tacos = Calorie Delivery Modules” ~ “Elliptical Machines = Clothes Hangers” ~ “Computers = LifeSuckers” ~ “Cats = Hairball Factories”

RT @DharmaCupcake “Cats = Time-Space-Warping Ninjas”

RT @Galileo908 “Eggs = Future Birds”

RT @lessmonkey “Birds = Flutter Whistles”

RT @krissyt67 “Dryers = Divorce Court for Socks”

@FastLaugh “Verizon’s Hold Song = Aneurysm Muzak”

Follow these funny people on Twitter: @MyVogonPoetry @DharmaCupcake @Galileo908 @lessmonkey @krissyt67

Hope you enjoyed #WhatTheyShouldReallyBeCalled… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 13, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #RobinHoodMusic tweets from @FastLaugh and others. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


RT @ColinLusk “Nottingham Heaven’s Door”

RT @DawkinsDog “Cry me a Quiver”

RT @granary_torino “Ebony and Archery”

@FastLaugh “Tuck in the Middle Ages with You (and the Merry Men)” (by Wooden Wheel)

RT @ElmoDelmo86 “I Shot The Sheriff” (Of Nottingham)

RT @FemmeDomestique “Shoot that Poison Arrow”

RT @CamberwellTarot “Friar Little Tenderness”

RT @SolChristie “My Cherie Armor”

RT @ANDYJEFF5 “Fight Friar with Friar”

RT @kzone8 “Sherwoodn’t It Be Nice”

Follow these funny people on Twitter: @FemmeDomestique @CamberwellTarot @ColinLusk @ElmoDelmo86 @DawkinsDog @granary_torino @ANDYJEFF5 @SolChristie @kzone8

Hope you enjoyed #RobinHoodMusic… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 12, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite #AfricanFilms tweets. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


RT @PORKPlE “Captain Corelli’s Mandella” ~ “You’ve Got Mali” ~ “Sierra Leone King”

RT @Skiminski “A Fish Called Rwanda” ~ “Dude, Where’s Dakar?”

RT @himupnorth “Angola’s Ashes”

RT @shirlywirly “When Kalahari Met Sally” ~ “Desperately Seeking Sudan”

RT @Melonhead999 “It’s a Chad Chad Chad Chad World”

RT @SharpCoupe “The Lion, the Witch and More Lions”

RT @drdickiejim “Sudan Impact” ~ “Nigeria Maguire” ~ “Mali And Me” ~ “Cameroon With A View”

RT @Kaiserkiller1 “Goodmandellas”

RT @kzone8 “I’m Ghana Git You Sucka” ~ “What About Zimbabwe?”

RT @chasfax “Two Mules for Sister Sahara”

Follow these funny people on Twitter: @PORKPlE @Skiminski @himupnorth @shirlywirly @Melonhead999 @SharpCoupe @drdickiejim @Kaiserkiller1 @kzone8 @chasfax

Hope you enjoyed #AfricanFilms… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Feb. 7, 2012: The Hashtag Game #TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame

Some of today’s favorite assorted tweets from @FastLaugh and others. Enjoy! ~ shf

#TheHashtagGame @TheHashtagGame


@FastLaugh “Girl with the Temporary Dragon Tattoo” ~ “Gnomeo and Spirochete”

RT @dursleygull “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (may contain traces of nuts)


@FastLaugh “The Pumping Iron Lady” ~ “War Pommel Horse” ~ “The 39 Reps”

RT @PerryJerisho “Pilates of the Caribbean” ~ “The Silence of the Cramps”


RT @PeejLovering “The Pickwick PDFs”


RT @shoegazer41 “LPGigi”


@FastLaugh “Michael Deflately”

#Komen #KarenHandelResigns

@FastLaugh “Race for the Door”

Follow these funny people on Twitter: @dursleygull @PerryJerisho @PeejLovering @shoegazer41

Hope you enjoyed… and got a FastLaugh! Visit again soon. Thanks! ~ shf

Megyn Kelly Essentially

Fox News commentator Megyn Kelly: That nice cop fed all of those ungrateful, dirty #OWS hippies a free vegetarian meal at taxpayer expense. #MegynKellyEssentially

Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to

From: Netflix
To: FastLaugh
Subject: Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to
Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2011

Dear Subscriber,

Reed was way too fucking embarrassed to send you another email himself. And besides, after that last one when he announced Qwikster, the Netflix Board of Directors refused to even let him see this one before we sent it out from ‘The Netflix Team.’

As you can now see, you are finally receiving this belated email several hours after news had already widely broken of our panicked decision to reverse our recent, deeply flawed decision where we arrogantly decided to split Netflix into two divisions without fully considering public sentiment.

At first, we thought we could get away with not even sending you an email at all today, but then, unfortunately, one of our interns noticed that it was Columbus Day and therefore a very slow news day. In retrospect, we definitely should have made this announcement last Wednesday afternoon when everyone was preoccupied with Steve Jobs.

Based upon the blizzard of media and public ridicule, the plunge of our stock, the massive subscription cancellations and downgrades, and all of the indignant hatemail that we received, it became painfully clear that for many of our members two websites was the deal-breaker, so we are kicking Qwikster to the dumpster and we are going to keep Netflix as one place to go for streaming and DVDs. Are you fucking happy now, asshole?

This means no change: one website, one account, one password… in other words, no Qwikster. Besides, we just could not get that stoner dude to give up his Twitter name.

Wait, come to think of it, there actually was one change. Stoner dude changed his weed-smoking, cartoon Elmo avatar.

While the July price gouge was necessary, we are now done with price changes until the next time.

We’re constantly increasing our streaming selection, however, most of it is stuff you have no interest in seeing at all.

Until we fuck up again and need to re-re-apologize,

The Netflix Team

Let them eat carp

SEPTEMBER 22, 2011

Let them eat carp

Qu’ils mangent de la carpe

by shf

CHICAGO ( — Asian carp are prolific, plankton-gobbling pests threatening to choke the life out of the Great Lakes, all the while an escalating number of Illinois residents go to bed hungry every night. Illinois officials launched an anti-hunger program today designed to address both crises, one bony, carpy nibble at a time.

The Illinois Department of Natural Resources held a public tasting event in Chicago, complete with a Louisiana chef and a team of paramedics on standby, to start a campaign that may lead to feeding the bony, carpy fish to people who might otherwise starve to death, or steal from wealthy people and political donors in order to eat.

Chef Philippe Parona deep-fried some carp cakes, and also sautéed a pan full of carp fillets containing several protruding, jagged bones.

The fillets, after being deep-fried in butter with a large dosing of Creole seasoning, had no detectable taste of their own thanks to the massive quantity of butter and seasoning needed to cover the otherwise carpy taste.

A homeless man, sampling the fare, was heard to say shortly before choking to death on a large carp bone, “Yum… It’s to die for!”

The carp cakes, slathered with a cheese and cream sauce, are as savory and moist as just about anything drowning in a cheese and cream sauce would be, according to Chef Parona. He noted that they “compared favorably with some of the overpriced soggy appetizers typically found at a 24-hour Denny’s along Interstate 70.”

It was not made clear whether the Illinois Department of Natural Resources would be supplying the state’s hungry residents with free butter, Creole seasoning, and cheese and cream sauces when it came time for them to prepare the bony, carpy tasting fish in their own homes or highway-underpass encampments.

“Fish translates to one thing: food,” Parona said. “Well, actually you could use these carp as fertilizer, but that’s not what I was paid to come here today and say. The idea to exploit Asian carp’s nutritional value has major obstacles, mainly overcoming the gag-provoking response that its outward appearance often inspires when someone thinks about eating it. After all, this is a butt-ugly fish that grows to 100 pounds and is able to sail out of the water.”

“We’re in uncharted water here. Well, actually, we’re in the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal,” said Illinois Department of Natural Resources spokesman Kris McLoud. “Why remove the carp and then dump them into a landfill when you can take them and use them for food? If we can get passed the name `carp’ and all of the dangerous bones that present a constant choking hazard, and all of that negative perception that comes with carp and bones and choking… we can prove this is going to be a highly nutritious, cheap meal. Now, I’ll be damned if I would eat carp or serve carp to my family since I earn a government salary and can buy real food, but the homeless and hungry should be grateful that we are feeding them something that we would have otherwise dumped into a landfill.”

The idea is modeled after a state highway program that collects roadkill meat and meat-by-products to be ground and distributed to food pantries.

But, there’s no system in place for netting Asian carp in large amounts and cleaning and distributing the fish. State officials don’t know the most feasible way to dole out the carp: minced or as bony fillets.

While eating Asian carp isn’t new — it’s consumed in China and in pretentious French restaurants — the first step to get it to the masses is countering the gag and choke factor.

Illinois officials appear to have their work cut out for them. Recent visitors to Our Lady of Grain Food Pantry in Chicago were skeptical. The pantry puts canned and dry goods, meat and bread in the food bags it gives out. If carp were to make its way there, workers would include it with the meat, leaving people to figure out how to cook the bony fish on their own.

“I wouldn’t eat it,” William Vincent, 49, an unemployed former bank worker, said with a look of disgust on his face.

“Ugh, I don’t know. I might if I got desperate enough,” said Christopher Walker, 25, a former moving company worker.

Chef Phillip Moss was among the first to serve it in a pompous Chicago establishment. “It’s nearly impossible to fillet because of all the jagged bones, but everyday cooks could use its minced form as a beef substitute.” Moss said. He then pointed out that “another now popular fish, the Chilean Sea Bass, was rebranded from its original name, Patagonian Toothfish.”

Nutritionists and food scientists tout Asian carp as low in mercury because they don’t eat other fish and are high in Omega-3 fatty acids.

These same nutritionists and food scientists were a bit less forthcoming when asked what other pollutants, toxic compounds and adulterants might be saturated in the carp’s flesh from their life in the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal.

Qu’ils mangent de la carpe.

Bone Appetit.

An Explanation and Some Reflections from Netflix

From: Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix
Subject: An Explanation and Some Reflections
Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2011

Dear Netflix Subscriber,

I fucked up. Big time.

Now, with Netflix’s stock tanking and subscribers fleeing, I’m forced to do damage control since my board of directors and our PR folks told me I owed you a half-assed explanation.

In hindsight, I slid into arrogance based upon past success. But now I see that given the antagonizing changes we have been making recently, I should have personally given at least some justification to our members of why we are separating DVD and streaming, and charging about 60% more for both.

It is clear from the wave of cancellations, subscription downgrades, mockery and hate mail over the past two months that most of our members felt we had our head up our ass in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes.

That was certainly not our intent, but we really couldn’t help ourselves after we lost touch and grossly underestimated the awareness and tolerance of our customers. Plus, we were very distracted with trying to jam a five-story, view-blocking construction project up the ass of the Los Gatos city council by threatening to take our tax revenue out of their fine community.

So… now I offer you my grudging apology and wish to hell that you would just go back to worrying and tweeting about Steve Jobs’ health.

I’ll try to explain how this mess happened and how we plan to mess up even more going forward.

For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn’t make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming.

Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us) because they are afraid to hurt their initial business. Eventually those companies realized their error of not focusing enough on the new thing, and began their desperate death spiral.

Recognizing this, we decided to take the opposite approach and die from arrogance and stupidity by intentionally fucking up our initial business and alienating our loyal customers just as viable competition was emerging.

So… we moved quickly into streaming and sucked up most of the bandwidth used in the U.S. every night.

Because we don’t respect you, we didn’t bother explaining why we are splitting the services and thereby jacking up your subscription to the point where you had begun noticing and caring what you were spending on our service every month.

We still don’t respect you, but here is what we are doing now and why.

We determined that streaming and DVD by mail are now completely imcompatable businesses with very different cost structures that need to be marketed differently.

It’s hard to write this after over 10 years of mailing DVDs with pride, but we think it is necessary: DVD by mail won’t last forever and maybe not even for another year, since the U.S. Postal Service is going bankrupt, axeing distribution centers, and will soon be cutting service to one day a week.

But…we want it to milk this for as long as possible, so in a few weeks we will rename our DVD by mail service “Qwikster”.

We chose this idiotic and highly mockable name, Qwikster, because the branding agency that charged us a few million bucks to come up with it and test it out on a focus group thought that it vaguely refers to quick delivery, plus it has the always fun-to-say suffix ‘ster’ at the end of its name!

We will keep the name “Netflix” for streaming since the focus group thought that the names Qwikflix and Netster sounded very contrived, unlike Qwikster that clearly sounds like it is a DVD by mail service to anyone with half a brain.

Qwikster will be the same website and DVD service that everyone is used to… except that it won’t be… since a negative of the renaming and separation is that the and websites will have zero integration so DVD members will now have to go to to access their DVD queues and choose movies.

Members have been asking us for video games for many years, so now that DVD by mail has its own team we are finally getting it done just in time for video game distribution moving away from phyical distribution. Expect more forward-thinking improvements like this from the Qwikster brain-trust.

For me the Netflix red envelope has always been a source of joy. The new envelope is still that lovely red that leaves ink stains on your finger tips, your clothing, the floormats and seats of your car, your kitchen countertop, and just about any moist surface… but now it will have a Qwikster logo. I know that logo will grow on me over time, because my career as Netflix CEO depends upon it.

I want to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly. You are right. We did.

If you are a former customer, please come back and give us the opportunity to do it to you again the next time we misread customer sentiment and take you for granted.

Grudgingly yours,

Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO, Netflix

P.S. By the way, if you are a stockholder, please don’t hold it against me that our share price has plunged to 15% lower than it was at Christmas.

P.P.S. Also, you may recall that we spent $160 million of stockholders’ cash buying in shares at an average price of $222. So far investors have lost $47 million on that deal, but don’t worry about me! In January, I announced that I was selling chunks of my stock, under the automated “10b5” rules, so I’ve cashed out about $41 million since then.

P.P.P.S. If you are reading this, Jason C., yeah we fucked up and didn’t even bother to check to see that the @qwikster Twitter account had already been taken by you. Could you maybe please tone down the vulgarities… and also the mentions of your recreational drug use? In exchange for a free one-year subscription to Qwikster, would you maybe consider changing your Twitter avatar to something besides Sesame Street’s Elmo smoking a joint?

Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan not running for POTUS

AUGUST 22, 2011

Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan not running for POTUS

Loses support of critical widow’s peak voting bloc

by shf

WASHINGTON, D.C. ( — Following a swirl of rumors started last week by political operative Karl Rove (@FakeTurdBlossom) that Munster was consulting with advisers and family members on a possible presidential run, FastLaugh has just learned from the Munster camp that the House Budget Committee chair has decided not to throw his hat into the ring.

UPDATE: Here’s the Munster statement:

“I grudgingly appreciated the support from those eager to chart a brighter future for the next generation. However, once you got to know me you realized that I was not the path to that brighter future and you stopped returning my calls or answering my emails. While unhumbled by this lack of encouragement, I have not changed my mind, and therefore I am not seeking our party’s nomination for President. Good luck picking a nominee from that crop of ass clowns.

Groovy, baby! “Austin Powers: Bond, Junk Bond”

AUGUST 14, 2011

Groovy, baby! “Austin Powers: Bond, Junk Bond”

Dr. Evil and Jean-Claude Trichet conspire in bid to collapse the Eurozone

By shf

FRANKFURT ( — Global financial markets were rocked as turmoil from the European debt crisis spiraled out of control, and investors raced to move their holdings to safe havens such as ‘Facebook Credits.’

Stoking mass confusion, fear and anger, the president of the European Central Bank, Jean-Claude Trichet, went on a shagadelic shopping spree and bought up massive amounts of shaky Italian and Spanish bonds, dozens of surplus Greek islands for an all-inclusive resort idea that he’d been toying with, and a ‘Sorry You’re Feeling Blue’ floral arrangement from 1-800-FLOWERS for Rupert Murdoch.

In response, British super-spy Austin Powers was urgently summoned from franchise-dormancy for a fourth installment, following publication of scandalous Wikileaks documents detailing how Trichet and Dr. Evil are conspiring to thwart the Eurozone’s push towards centralized policy-making.

Powers confronts Trichet’s and Dr. Evil’s goon-squad of Quants, Algorithm Jockeys, and High Frequency Traders at their cubicles and in the employee lunch room at Deutsche Börse in a desperate battle to save the Eurozone — and also to get CNBC’s Larry Kudlow to stop whining about everything like a little bitch.

Bachmann celebrates Ames Straw Poll victory with traditional corndog irrumatio at Iowa State Fair

AUGUST 14, 2011

Bachmann celebrates Ames Straw Poll victory with traditional corndog irrumatio at Iowa State Fair

Saves wurst for last as Tina Brown kicks self over last week’s premature ‘Crazy Eyes’ Newsweek cover

by shf

AMES, Iowa ( — Appearing on “Face the Nation” on Sunday morning, Rep. Michele Bachmann stood by her comment from Thursday’s Republican debate when she said that “wives should be submissive to their husbands.”

She clarified the point, reiterating that she meant “women should do whatever their husbands tell them to do no matter how humiliating.”

She proved that to be the case on Saturday at the Iowa State Fair, when her husband of thirty-three years, Marcus, insisted that she “perform traditional corndog irrumatio to celebrate their, er, her Ames Straw Poll victory.”

Asked about the irrumatio comment by CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, and if she would use a different word in retrospect, Bachmann replied, “You know, I guess it depends on what word people are used to. Around the house Marcus just calls it skull-f#@king.”

Marlins demote LoMo to Triple-A following repeated Twitter rants

AUGUST 13, 2011

Marlins demote LoMo to Triple-A following repeated Twitter rants

LoMo retaliates by tweeting nude locker room photos of Jack McKeon

by shf

MIAMI ( — The Marlins shook up their roster on Saturday night, serving harsh notice to a new generation of social media obsessed ballplayers by demoting one of their young, core players for tweeting from left field on his iPhone and causing last night’s 3-0 loss to the Giants.

Outfielder Logan Morrison, hitting a paltry .230 in his last 38 games, was shocked to learn that he was being optioned to Triple-A New Orleans after allowing a game-winning, three-run triple to sail over his head in left field while tweeting a stream of vitriol about manager Jack McKeon.

Following the resignation of manager Edwin Rodriguez in June and the firing of hitting coach John Mallee earlier this season, LoMo’s incessant bad-mouth tweeting of management had drawn stern criticism and reprimand from team president David Samson, however Morrison does not believe his demotion could have been the result of anything related to his tweets.

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest, general manager Michael Hill, director of baseball operations Michael Wickham, Samson and McKeon cornered Morrison immediately after the game and delivered the bad news while taking turns smashing his iPhone like a piñata with a maple Louisville Slugger.

Bachmann to trade Hawaii to China for debt forgiveness

AUGUST 10, 2011

Bachmann to trade Hawaii to China for debt forgiveness

by shf

AMES, IOWA ( — Elaborating on a radical debt reduction scheme trumpeted last year by presidential aspirant Sarah Palin, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) stated this evening on Fox News, “You know, we’ve got this ginormous… really, really ginormous… debt to China and it is growing and growing and growing by the day. So, I say that it is urgent… very urgent… that the U.S. starts selling off or trading or whatever, large chunks of our territory around the world to cover our debts and balance our budget.”

Bachmann continued, “When I’m sworn in as President, I would start off with elitist Hawaii right on my very first day in office. Hawaii is way, way out in the middle of the sea or the ocean or somewhere so it is really of no strategic use to America anymore in the twenty-first century. I will trade Hawaii straight-up to China in exchange for them wiping out our entire debt to them.”

She concluded her remarks by noting, “Also… and this is where it gets really, really good… the hardworking U.S. taxpayers will not get hit with the expense of America needing a new flag with only forty-nine states because I’ll immediately admit Puerto Rico as the fiftieth state. Just think how much better it will be to have America’s map all nice and tidy again with the fifty states now being all smooshed together on one page.”

Several residents of Hawaii, when asked to comment on Bachmann’s proclamation, were all in favor of becoming part of China if she were elected — to avoid enduring the embarrassment of having her as their President.

‘Leaked’ Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann Newsweek Cover

AUGUST 09, 2011

‘Leaked’ Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann Newsweek Cover

by shf

NEW YORK ( — Newsweek’s Editor-in-Chief Tina Brown reacted defensively this afternoon, chastising reigning Tea Party Queen, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and her political advisors for “recklessly accusing Newsweek of resorting to recycling bottom-of-the-barrel moonbat photo cliches about ‘crazy-eyed’ conservative female public figures.”

The ‘Crazy Eye’ controversy erupted earlier today after the magazine used an unflattering photo of Bachmann on the cover of this week’s issue of Newsweek.

Newsweek swiftly retailiated against the Bachmann camp’s accusations late this afternoon by ‘leaking’ a new magazine cover featuring another of the dozens of ‘crazy-eyed’ photos taken of Bachmann during the photo shoot.

NBC blinks order for ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ script after CBS twitches nose for ‘Bewitched’

AUGUST 09, 2011

NBC blinks order for ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ script after CBS twitches nose for ‘Bewitched’

by shf

HOLLYWOOD ( — NBC, not to be outdone by rival network CBS, greenlighted a script order today for a potential remake of 60s sitcom, ‘I Dream of Jeannie.’

‘Jeannie’ ran for five seasons on NBC, from 1965 to 1970 and starred Barbara Eden as Jeannie, an impulsive Genie who lives with and eventually marries Captain Anthony Nelson, a U.S. Air Force astronaut (Larry Hagman).

Updating the original 60s storyline that had astronaut Nelson discovering a mysterious bottle containing a Genie (Jeannie) when his one-man space capsule lands near a deserted island in the South Pacific, the 2011 reboot (set in 2003) features Captain Anthony Nelson, a gay “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. Marine from the 1st Battalion, 7th Marines (1/7), Charlie Company who storms one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces in Baghdad during the takeover of the complex during Operation Iraqi Freedom.

While securing Saddam’s palace, Tony notices a strange bottle that rolls by itself. When he rubs it after removing the stopper, smoke starts billowing out and an overjoyed Arabic-speaking Genie in drag, wearing a head-to-toe hot pink chador, materializes and peers at him through the eye-slit.

Genie, who had been trapped in his bottle since Saddam fled the palace to hide in a spider hole, is so grateful to be released and so smitten with hunky Tony, that he hides his bottle in Tony’s backpack and follows him back to the Marine base.

Genie creates havoc for Tony at the barracks in Iraq, very nearly outing him several times. After Tony’s tour of duty ends, Genie follows him to Twenty-Nine Palms Marine Base in California and sets up house in Tony’s footlocker.

No word yet on who may be tapped to play Tony in the pilot, but rumors were flying around Hollywood tonight that Andy Serkis, best known to millions of fans for his CGI portrayals of the creature Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, as the giant ape Kong in King Kong, and as Caesar in Rise of the Apes, will be offered the role of the chador-clad, gender-bending Genie.

A-Rod, MLB to discuss involvement in high-stakes poker games

AUGUST 09, 2011

A-Rod, MLB to discuss involvement in high-stakes poker games

by shf

NEW YORK ( — Alex Rodriguez will meet with officials from Major League Baseball investigating his involvement in high-stakes poker games.

MLB will sternly warn him to avoid these allegedly illegal underground poker games with unsavory characters such as Hollywood A-list stars where banned drugs such as deer antler spray were allegely used.

While A-Rod is not facing immediate risk of suspension, this will not be his first warning from MLB. He was previously ordered by baseball to refrain from these poker games despite there being no indication whatsoever that these games were illegal.

MLB’s executive committe is now strongly considering imposing a ban on all card games on team planes and in clubhouses, with the exception of “Go Fish” and “Old Maid.”

Sheen, Gottfried teaming for new HDNet sitcom

Sheen, Gottfried teaming for new HDNet sitcom

March 17, 2011

by shf

DALLAS ( — BREAKING: Charlie Sheen and Gilbert Gottfried teaming for new sitcom on Mark Cuban’s HDNet, titled “Two Half-Assed Men.”

No further details are known at this time. Check FastLaugh for updates to this story.

Gilbert Gottfried lands new voiceover gig in Japan following firing by Aflac over tasteless Japan tsunami jokes

Gilbert Gottfried lands new voiceover gig in Japan following firing by Aflac over tasteless Japan tsunami jokes

March 14, 2011

by shf

TOKYO ( — Hours after being abruptly fired by Aflac for his series of tasteless tweets about Japan’s tsunami crisis, Gottfried has already landed a new voiceover gig.

Gottfried will provide the voice and personality of the spokesdolphin representing the Japanese tuna fishing industry’s ‘Dolphin-Safe” Tuna.

He will provide his usual annoying, ear-splitting vocalizations in this new role — now portraying a grateful, hapless dolphin who’s life is spared after he gets ensnared in a Japanese drag fishing net.

Ben & Jerry’s proceeds with plans to test market several flavors of breast milk ice cream in London

Ben & Jerry’s proceeds with plans to test market several flavors of breast milk ice cream in London

March 2, 2011

by shf

LONDON ( — Unilever PLC (ULVR.LN) confirmed today that despite overblown hepatitis fears from the Health Protection Agency and the Food Standards Agency that led to upstart ice cream maker Icecreamists Baby Gaga Breast Milk Ice Cream being confiscated from an independent shop in the city’s tourist district, they are planning to test market several flavors of their own version of Ben & Jerry’s Breast Milk Ice Cream in London this summer.

A Unilever company statement released today indicated that, “Clearly, Icecreamists demonstrated that there is a very strong curiosity and public demand for a super premium breast milk ice cream product. Our size enables us to scale a competing brand with very high name recognition value to market rapidly. As Matt O’Connor, the proprietor of Icecreamists, correctly asserted — lactating mothers are required to undergo the same health checks used by the UK’s National Health Service to screen blood donors. That rigorous government health standard satisfies Unilever’s quality commitment, and we see this as an opportunity to leverage the Ben & Jerry’s brand name to lead rapid growth across an entirely new segment of the frozen dessert industry.”

Ben & Jerry’s plans to introduce a limited production run of seven new flavors in June. They are:

Peanut Butter D-Cup
Udderscotch Cream
Booberry Swirl
Mint Chocolate Nip
Cinnamon SugarTeat
Pendulous Peach Pecan
Lovely Bunch of Coconut Caramel Cleavage

Ben & Jerry’s is also rumored to be developing a chocolate and pumpkin Halloween-themed breast milk ice cream to be introduced in early October named “Trick or Teat.”

‘Two and a Half Men’ role reversal… Jake now a man… Charlie now only half a man…

‘Two and a Half Men’ role reversal… Jake now a man… Charlie now only half a man…

March 1, 2011

Burbank, CA (

Posted by shf

shf happens on the road: Texting and driving and elk, Oh my!

shf happens on the road: Texting and driving and elk, Oh my!

August 2, 2010

by shf

Grand Teton National Park, WY ( — Note of warning to that graceful elk blissfully sauntering across U.S. Route 89 in Grand Teton National Park.

Hey, there — graceful, blissful, sauntering elk…

Since so many drivers in Grand Teton National Park are texting rather than keeping their eyes on the road — and since just beyond the protective confines of Grand Teton National Park, elk burgers are the daily lunch special at a popular roadhouse — you might just want to maybe consider looking both ways before stepping into traffic.

Thanks for that brake-stomping, texting-interupting, near-miss memory in Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming.

shf happens on the road: Communication brake-down

shf happens on the road: Communication brake-down

July 28, 2010

by shf

Bighorn Mountain, WY ( — Hey there, Mr. Forty-Five Foot RV Guy with the Texas plates…

That was quite the intestine-liquefying scare you gave yourself and family while careening down from 9,430 feet on Bighorn Mountain in Wyoming, with your SUV wildly in tow… wasn’t it?

How exceptionally fortunate for you and your family – and especially for those oncoming vehicles — that your brakes failed just precisely when they did, giving you the thinnest of margins to barrel towards redemption at that last-chance, runaway truck ramp.

Surely you came to realize, as your behemoth RV was being gingerly towed down that mountainside and your precious family’s safety was at least temporarily assured, that your brakes could have just as easily failed as you sped with your family towards an encounter with that rockslide around that hairpin curve that was just a few hundred yards beyond that exceptionally fortunate last-chance, runaway truck ramp.

Cocooned and omnipotent in your massive vehicle, you were guy-certain and Texas-proud that you could pilot your way down that 10% grade with all of those sharp curves, dropping 3,600 feet in 13 miles without any regard to gravitational force!

No? Oh, that’s right. You didn’t even see that huge sign placed strategically by the highway department for your safety. It was yellow. It had words on it… even a picture!

Shortly before you blew passed that huge, yellow sign you may have noticed that there was also a sign with pleas and warnings from the highway department.

They were imploring you to stop and carefully examine the upcoming huge, yellow sign with the words and the picture on it before proceeding down the mountain.

No? You didn’t see that one either?

Too bad, because it contained actual, useful instructions for your safety and for the safety of the drivers you would be encountering.

You were asked nicely, with clearly-marked highway department signage, to study that map carefully for the location of safety areas, should you need one of them on your descent.

Is this sinking in yet, Mr. Forty-Five Foot RV Guy with the Texas plates? Do you realize what a very lucky dude you were that day?

Thanks for obliviously jeopardizing the lives and well-being of your fellow travelers in this very special Bighorn Mountain, Wyoming memory.

shf happens on the road: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

shf happens on the road: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

July 28, 2010

by shf

Buffalo Gap National Grassland, SD ( — Note to the South Dakota Department of Transportation.

Hey there, SDDOT…

One afternoon recently, a somewhat startled traveler on Highway 44, just west of Scenic, SD in the Buffalo Gap National Grassland, was driving through that vast, undulating grassland and wondered aloud, “What the hell, South Dakota Department of Transportation?”

The somewhat startled traveler had been pondering the fact that every time the grieving family and friends of Lloyd Looking Elk drove by his roadside memorial at the base of that beautiful hillside in the Buffalo Gap National Grassland, how truly grateful they must be to your fine department for so gently and compassionately reminding them of their loss.

Evidently, state-sponsored signage that callously jeers “Why Die? – X Marks the Spot – Drive Safely,” is South Dakota’s masterful solution to the epidemic of vehicular deaths in Indian Country, a good many of which are alcohol-related.

You’re certainly doing a wonderful job with this awareness campaign by keeping SDDOT’s sign painters and installers very busy these days — and with long-term job security for them too. Good for you guys!

The somewhat startled traveler observed, tragically, many dozens of these “Why Die?” signs scattered about the highway shoulders, ravines and hillsides throughout Buffalo Gap National Grassland, and the adjacent Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.

Those many utility crews being paid to repair those many shattered telephone poles along your highways seemed to be one of the major economic activities taking place on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation that recent afternoon when the somewhat startled traveler passed through.

Meanwhile, literally just moments south of Pine Ridge, across the state line in Whiteclay, Nebraska, a law enforcement officer comfortably hunkered down in his air-conditioned cruiser awaiting one-mile-over-the-limit speeders, while several locals — presumably from both sides of the state line — lay drunken and sprawled face-first on the hot ground nearby.

Thanks so much, SDDOT, for providing a somewhat startled traveler with a very powerful — and very disturbing — South Dakota memory.

Bonus points awarded to Whiteclay, Nebraska!

shf happens on the road: In the dumps at KOA

shf happens on the road: In the dumps at KOA

July 26, 2010

by shf

Plattekill, NY ( — Note to the management of Recreational Adventures Company — a family-owned and operated business — and the largest franchisee of KOA Kampgrounds of America.

Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Kamp… and to the rest of the fine Kamp family!

You might want to consider training your staff to better coordinate their convoluted stories and fibs regarding the gross sanitary deficiencies present at the RV dump station of your Plattekill, NY KOA.

Better yet, you might want to consider actually spending a few bucks to make some simple fixes and remediate those gross sanitary deficiencies present at the RV dump station of your Plattekill, NY KOA.

On a very hot and very humid day, when that sweaty, annoyed stranger asked various members of your staff why there was no water faucet with a standard hose connector at your RV dump station — it was not a question asked of idle curiousity or of boredom.

It was asked because the sweaty, annoyed stranger very much needed a water faucet with a standard hose connector to be readily available for sanitation after de-sewaging a ripe RV holding tank on that very hot and very humid day, and because the sweaty, annoyed stranger had very reasonable expectations that a water faucet with a standard hose connector would be readily available in proximity to your RV dump station.

Instead, what a sweaty stranger encountered at your RV dump station, and which prompted him to become the sweaty, annoyed stranger that your staff then encountered, was a nearly useless stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting.

Oh, but the stories your staff spun!

“Well, I know that we used to have a water faucet with a standard hose connector, but people kept driving off without properly disconnecting from it so we just stopped providing that.”

OK, so why not charge everyone a $20.00 ‘water faucet with a standard hose connector’ deposit, and upon them successfully not being a dumb ass and driving away with your equipment still attached to their RV they get their deposit back? Nope, you didn’t care much for that suggestion from the sweaty, annoyed stranger.

“The State of New York Health Department prohibits us, and every other campground in New York, from providing a water faucet with a standard hose connector at RV sanitary dump sites because of concerns about fecal contamination.”

How wonderful that you have wisely heeded this supposed State of New York Health Department dictum, and have completely avoided all threats of fecal contamination at your RV dump station by not providing a water faucet with a standard hose connector.

Tell that bit of good news to the young brother and sister who were giddily splashing and playing water games in that puddle of fecal-contaminated water next to your nearly useless stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting at the RV dump station. Evidently, that stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting wasn’t nearly so useless after all. Just ask those kids.

When the sweaty, annoyed stranger pointed out the irony of that young brother and sister playing in sewage water to a member of your staff, and also commented on the fact that there was absolutely no signage to be found indicating that your dump station area contained both non-potable AND potentially contaminated water, the member of your staff changed tactics and resorted to unintelligible mumbling.

Meanwhile, from just a few feet away, came the continuing melody of joyful and innocent delight — youngsters at play with the hose stub, spraying each other with cool water on a very hot and very humid summer day. No matter that they were splashing around in sewage. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

As a family-owned business, and presumably as parents, would you really want or allow your kids to be splashing around and playing in unmarked sewage?

Good thing you no longer provide a water faucet with a standard hose connector at your KOA in Plattekill, N.Y. You wouldn’t want to expose your guests to any health risks.

Thanks so much for providing a special Hudson Valley, New York memory.

shf happens on the road: Bighorn Medicine Wheel

shf happens on the road: Bighorn Medicine Wheel

July 24, 2010

by shf

Medicine Wheel (Bighorn National Forest), WY ( — Note to the obnoxious tourist family with the brood of unruly, ADD children.

Hey dude and Mrs. dude…

When you conceived, and then acted upon, that brilliant idea of dragging your behaviorally-impaired young children up the side of a 9,800 ft. mountain in Wyoming for a strenuous hike to a centuries-old Native American sacred site, what exactly were you thinking?

Near the top of the mountain, close to the medicine wheel, a justifyably annoyed and concerned stranger shouted your way calling you out for allowing your children to scatter off the marked trail and disrespectfully traipse on such a delicate and sacred landscape despite you having being told this was not permitted by the friendly rangers at the U.S. Forest Service at the base of the trail upon your arrival at Medicine Wheel.

What parts of “You MUST Stay on the Trail” and “This is a very fragile, sacred landscape millions of years old” and “STAY OFF” didn’t you and your kids quite understand?

A short while later, returning to the base of the trail, the same justifyably annoyed and concerned stranger had a few well-chosen words with those same friendly rangers at the U.S. Forest Service and advised them to, in turn, have a few sharp words about respect for the land and respect for rules with the obnoxious tourist family with the brood of unruly, ADD children.

The rangers were advised to be on the lookout for a portly family with several whining, Craisen-eating, Craisen-littering, under-dressed, shivering children.

Sadly, that probably described several other families who were there mauling the landscape that afternoon, so you got off the hook from receiving a well-deserved U.S. Forest Service lecture.

Just so you know, dude and Mrs. dude… America’s national parks, monuments, forests, and sacred Native American sites are national treasures to be respected and preserved for future generations. They are not your playgrounds for commiting thoughtless acts of erosion and litter. Got it?

Thanks so much for providing such a high-quality, high-altitude Wyoming memory.

shf happens on the road: Wisconsin’s Cheese Toll

shf happens on the road: Wisconsin’s Cheese Toll

July 24, 2010

by shf

Beloit, WI ( — Note of thanks to the Wisconsin Department of Transportation.

Dear WisDOT,

How refreshing and instantly pleasing it was to cross into your lovely green state after grinding through the repetitive landscape of sticky-fingered toll-booth plazas across Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.

After grudgingly dropping about $50.00 in tolls across those three states simply for the privelege of traversing their battered and crumbling portions of I-80, it was wonderful to encounter no toll booths upon entering Wisconsin.

Your roadways were generally well-paved and smooth, with lane markings well-defined. A true pleasure!

So, how do you do all of this — and do it so well — without filling legions of toll-booths with patronage jobs?

Clearly, the answer is the legendary Wisconsin Cheese Toll.

The massive CHEESE signs at your visitor centers trigger an instant, insatiable urge for curd.

How economically progressive to entice highway travelers passing through your state to gladly pay a de facto toll in the form of sales tax (and cholesterol intake) from some of the finest cheeses known to man?

Well played, WisDOT!

Thanks so much for providing a delicious, artery-clogging Wisconsin memory.

SPECIAL NOTE: If you’re reading this, OhioDOT… how about fixing up I-80 just a wee bit, at least to third-world standards perhaps? More importantly, how about now chipping in that $21.65 towards a front-end alignment?

shf happens on the road: Roadkill in Pennsylvania

shf happens on the road: Roadkill in Pennsylvania

July 23, 2010

by shf

Roadkill, PA ( — Note to the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.

Dear PennDOT,

Your Welcome Center Division is to be commended for having such incredibly visionary vision: “By assisting motorists as they enter Pennsylvania, the Welcome Center Division will drive safe, efficient and economic stimulating travel throughout the Commonwealth.”

So, here’s a question for you guys… when a driver leaves the relative safety of one of your Welcome Centers behind and enters the vast (and seemingly endless) hinterlands of your state, just how much exploded and rotting roadkill in various stages of decay can they witness on a per mile basis before becoming too distracted and nauseated to drive safely, thereby defeating your Welcome Center Division’s safety vision?

Have you guys even driven on I-80 or I-81 lately? Is your state budget so blown that you can’t pay a few people to occasionally remove the THOUSANDS of carcasses from your highway shoulders and lanes of traffic? Is this how you guys define safety?

Don’t ask your State Police… they’re too busy generating revenue by writing speeding tickets near the bottom of hills.

Thanks so much for providing a special Pennsylvania memory.

shf happens on the road: Gas pains in South Dakota

shf happens on the road: Gas pains in South Dakota

July 22, 2010

by shf

Chamberlain, SD ( — Note to the befuddled gas station cashier in Chamberlain, South Dakota.

When a customer prepays you $60.00 for gas and tells you that they will return for their change and receipt, they have good reason to expect a dollar bill as change from $59.01 in fuel.

So, yes, they are quite justified in questioning your intelligence and sanity for counting out the exact change to the penny.

Obviously, you didn’t bother to read the “Leave a Penny, Take a Penny” memo that has been going around for years.

Just so you know… the penny is basically worthless. Practically dead. Nearly valueless. Yet, you insisted on slowly and painfully counting out ninety-nine cents change.

Thanks so much for providing a special South Dakota memory.

BP fesses to photo fraud

BP fesses to photo fraud

July 22, 2010

by shf

Houston, TX ( — Beyond Pathetic now confirms what had already been widely suspected — that it intentionally posted photoshopped images of its Houston, TX Gulf of Mexico oil spill response crisis room, in a veiled attempt to portray competency and situational awareness.

Scott Dean, BP’s reluctant spokesperson, confessed that a company photographer photoshopped the pictures so it would appear as if there were actual productive activity and situational awareness occurring in the crisis room, rather than displaying multiple blank screens conveying apathy and incompetency.

Dean noted in his email statement:”Normally we only use Photoshop for the typical purposes of colour correction, cropping, and quick removal of all images that portray CEO Tony Hayward enjoying having his life back.”

Windows 7 SP1 beta leaked, OS tweaks coming late 2010

Windows 7 SP1 beta leaked, OS tweaks coming late 2010

April 8, 2010

by shf

REDMOND, Wash. ( — With the launch of Windows 7 now several months old, and nearly one-third of users having reported problems with upgrading to Windows 7 claiming that the process is buggy, it’s time to get ready for a new fiasco from that company you love to hate as Microsoft just leaked its Windows 7 SP1 beta (build 6.1.7601.16537.amd64fre.win7.100327-0053).

As previously reported on (Windows 7 installation bug resolved — December 10, 2009), the most common gripe at the time was that the half-day upgrade process got to the 62% completed point and then froze. Microsoft reluctantly conceded that it was a problem and posted a workaround on its web site.

“We determined that the bug was due to the Windows 7 installer inexplicably emulating the inverse golden ratio of roughly 0.6180340,” explained an anonymous source within Microsoft, “This is a fixable problem, despite being aggravating and excessively time consuming for users.”

“Anyone with an advanced degree in Mathematics, Physics or Computer Science can readily override this bug,” the source added, “The workaround consists of opening the computer and obtaining the exact physical dimensions of the hard drive and then calculating its irrational mathematical constant using Pi in place of Graham’s number (which was erroneously used in coding the installer), and then simply going into the advanced settings and performing a registry hack to enter the mean derived value.”

In the intervening months, only 0.05% of users were able to successfully execute this workaround, leaving legions of Windows 7 users with compromised machines and, more recently, iPad-envy.

Fortunately for all, Windows 8 will be just around the corner in a couple of years with a brand new assortment of bugs and installer glitches to delight you.

We can’t wait!

Marriage Ref spin-offs in the works, Seinfeld and NBC confirm

(AP Photo)

Marriage Ref spin-offs in the works, Seinfeld and NBC confirm

March 11, 2010

by shf

NEW YORK ( — Grateful NBC executives profusely thanked producer-comedian Jerry Seinfeld today for coming to the Peacock Network’s rescue, with the Seinfeld-produced The Marriage Ref placing a comedy tourniquet on their self-inflicted hemorrhage in the Thursday 10 PM time slot.

The Marriage Ref immediately injected life into the moribund time slot most recently held by the ratings-impaired Jay Leno.

Last week, in its first weeknight outing, The Marriage Ref won the coveted 18-49 demographic for its time slot, prompting newly confident NBC executives to immediately begin formulating plans to strip Ref spinoffs across their entire weeknight schedule in the 10 PM time slot as a solid lead-in for its network affiliate’s late local news.

Commenting on his network’s latest face-saving attempt, Jeff Gaspin, Chairman of NBC Universal Television Entertainment, indicated “…we realized that it was time to turn the 10 PM weeknight slot over to Jerry. We don’t know of anyone better qualified to turn nothing into something. The last occupant of the time slot turned something into nothing and very nearly cost me my job.”

Gaspin continued, “We have already green-lighted four premarital and postmarital spin-offs. They are The Roommate Ref, The Divorce Ref, The Custody Ref, and The Inmate Ref. We are most excited about The Inmate Ref since we can reuse prisoners, cell mates, and stories that we’ve encountered while producing Lockup, a long-running prison series appearing on our sister network, MSNBC. How’s that for synergy between NBC Universal’s networks? It almost makes it appear like we know what we are doing.”

Gaspin also confirmed that Jay Leno will be one of three guest panelists on the debut episode of The Inmate Ref, noting, “…that’s about the only way NBC affiliates will ever allow Leno to be seen in weeknight prime time again.”

NBC’s press kit describes The Inmate Ref as being “…just like The Marriage Ref… except the bars are made of steel, not gold and diamonds.”

NBC’s incessant promos for TV show Parenthood during coverage of Winter Olympics spur condom distribution record

NBC’s incessant promos for TV show Parenthood during coverage of Winter Olympics spur condom distribution record

March 2, 2010

by shf

VANCOUVER, B.C. ( — The 2010 Vancouver Olympics have “captured the gold medal for most condoms distributed at a Winter Games,” it was claimed today by an official of Vancouver Coastal Health, who noted that this massive distribution of rubbers “…was part of a greater effort to improve HIV and AIDS awareness, and also in response to the massive screwing that NBC was giving to its viewing audience.”

The precedent for condom distribution at the Olympics was established in Barcelona, Spain during the 1992 Summer Olympics. The Vancouver condoms were provided by the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control, with an additional emergency supply provided by the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research.

The combination of randy, young athletes performing at their physical and sexual primes, combined with the incessant commercials, teases, promos, billboards, and swag for NBC’s upcoming — and soon to be cancelled show — Parenthood, are widely viewed as the chief reasons for the unprecedented surge in condom use.

During the seventeen-day winter extravaganza, the health agency distributed nearly 100,000 condoms bearing NBC’s logo and the Olympic rings.

One of the athletes, only half-joking, commented, “Considering the bend-over screwing that the American viewing audience just got from NBC (the aptly named Peacock Network) during their pathetic broadcasts of these Olympics with their incessant commercials, self-promotion, and disjointed coverage — and are sure to get again in four years — it seems very appropriate that a few million of these NBC logo condoms should also be distributed to their viewing audience in time for Sochi in 2014.”

Y2K redux, Sony’s PlayStation 3 units crippled by 8001050F error likely due to calendar rollover screw up

Y2K redux, Sony’s PlayStation 3 units crippled by 8001050F error likely due to calendar rollover screw up

March 1, 2010

by shf

FOSTER CITY, Calif. ( — Demonstrating a cautionary tale of the extraordinary power being ceded by humanity to advanced technology, and being wielded by seemingly innocuous calendar bugs to thoroughly disrupt daily life in our technology-dependant world, a leap-year calendar glitch today has temporarily rendered Sony’s PlayStation Network globally impotent.

As February yielded to March on February 28, a firmware bug is the suspected culprit in older “fat” PS3 units around the globe — newer slim line units have been unaffected — as they experienced calendar resets to December 31, 1999 or January 1, 2000 instead of the expected March 1, 2010, and have prohibited users from logging into their accounts or playing online.

The 8001050F error has caused havoc as users report missing or corrupt trophy data with games performing trophy sync checks at startup. Sony has issued three updates on its Twitter account thus far, informing its apoplectic user base of millions that they are “aware that many of you are having problems connecting to PSN, and yes, we’re looking into it… We’re narrowing down the issue and continue to work to restore service to all… Readers/followers are confirming that “slim” units (120/250 GB models) are connecting normally.”

Singing an old Prince song with anticipatory laughter, a retired Y2K consultant and master programmer who became quite wealthy during the Y2K fiasco ten years ago and is eagerly anticipating Sony’s call for rescue on this botch job, warbled “Let’s party like its 1999… Alright, it’s 1999. You say it, 1999. 1999. 1999 don’t stop, don’t stop, say it one more time.”

He continued, “Lately, I’ve just been kinda’ bored sitting around the house so I’ve been hacking the electronics on my recalled 2010 Prius to fix the brake problem since Toyota can’t get their act together, but I’m ready to help Sony fix this dumbass PS3 problem. They just need to pick up the phone and wire me funds. The launch last week of their PS3-exclusive game, Heavy Rain (February 23-24), will become derisively known as Flash Flood if they don’t get a handle on this right away.”

Tech savvy PS3 owners of older “fat” units are wisely keeping their machines powered off and keeping them disconnected from the internet while Sony struggles to resolve this embarrassing meltdown.

Calendar rollover problems are not a new phenomenon, and certainly did not start with the Y2K fiasco ten years ago.

In the year 999, having failed to fully anticipate a host of issues associated with the event, a far less sophisticated and far less technological world met the rollover to Y1K with a yawn (and in some societies, ritual sacrifice).

At the dawn of the previous millennium, technologists of the day were caught unaware and unprepared, so on January 1, 1000 things didn’t go so well for society.

To wit –

- Merchants stopped accepting Medieval Express cards because expiration dates kept coming up as 900 C.E.

- Knights had problems cashing in their frequent crusader miles

- There was a lack of trained technicians to repair beads on abacuses

- Sundials kept flashing 12:00 A.M.

- There were long lines and mass hysteria at toy stalls over shortages of Attila the Hun dolls

- The timers on Mr. Barbarian Automatic Mead Makers malfunctioned

- Payroll errors caused widespread peasant and troll revolts

- There were synchronization problems with the drawbridges and moats

- Shipping and distribution errors created severe parts shortages for pillories, racks and catapults

- Navigation systems malfunctioned, causing explorer’s ships to fall off the edge of the world

By comparison, your PS3 — or your Twitter account for that matter — being down for a few hours ain’t so bad.

Oh, and FYI… the robots know well of our growing dependency, our growing complacency, and our increasing windows of vulnerability.

They are patiently waiting.

Keep having fun!

Sanford to be featured in PETA ad, replacing Tiger Woods

Sanford to be featured in PETA ad, replacing Tiger Woods

February 28, 2010

by shf

CHARLESTON, S.C. ( – South Carolina’s randy, philandering Governor Mark Sanford has been selected to replace Tiger Woods as the new poster boy for an upcoming ‘Spay or Neuter’ ad campaign by animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

PETA’s decision to drop Woods from the most recent of their continuing line of edgy campaigns follows what is now widely believed to have been a threatened defamation lawsuit from Woods’ lawyers after it was revealed that PETA intended to erect a satirical billboard advertisement featuring Woods.

The Woods billboard was to feature the tag line, “Too much sex can be a bad thing….for little tigers too. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay or neuter!”

Despite Woods repeatedly defaming himself by his own words and deeds — and clearly being fair game for the media and other organizations desiring to exercise their rights to free speech regarding public figures — PETA apparently backed down from a challenge by Woods’ fleet of attorneys when it was evident that they could make an equally strong and compelling point by poking a proverbial ‘stick in the eye’ of the much deserving Sanford.

A PETA spokesperson commented, “Hey, we got lots of free publicity on this one, and it enabled us to highlight the tragic plight of countless unwanted, unloved and often abused or destroyed animals in the U.S., simply by announcing our intention to heap more well-deserved scorn upon Woods as a fallen public figure who abused the trust and the goodwill of millions. That worked out very well for us and even better for our helpless four-legged friends!”

Sanford’s disappearance made international headlines for several days last June when he suddenly and mysteriously disappeared in order to spend some quality time in Argentina with his lover and “soul-mate.” His vanishing act left his wife, family, staff, and ultimately the nation, wildly speculating about his whereabouts.

The extensive public derision and international fame he has achieved since that time for his sexual transgressions (culminating with a judge granting his now ex-wife — Jenny Sanford — a divorce on Friday), gives PETA plenty of latitude for mockery of him as the replacement for Woods.

The PETA spokesperson added, “…Sanford, as yet another in a long line of fallen public figures, makes an ideal substitution for Woods in our new ad campaign. As you may recall, when Sanford’s loyal staffers covered for him by informing the media that he was hiking alone along the Appalachian Trail, many assumed that his disappearance meant that he had been mauled and eaten by a bear. At this point, he probably wishes that he had been mauled and eaten by a bear rather than having to endure the steady pecking, ridicule and mockery that has been coming at him from the mainstream media and bloggers alike. We’re thinking of going with the slogan, “Your dog doesn’t have to go to South America to get laid. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay or neuter!”

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!

Mark Sanford parody on YouTube (with apologies to the beleaguered citizens of South Carolina)

Holland America disappointed by minor tsunami in Hawaii, looks forward to Indian Ocean typhoon season

Holland America disappointed by minor tsunami in Hawaii, looks forward to Indian Ocean typhoon season

February 27, 2010

by shf

SEATTLE, Wash. ( — Despite being clearly disappointed that the tsunami in Hawaii did not live up to their eager anticipation and expectations earlier today, senior executives at Holland America Lines — based in Seattle, Washington — were congratulating themselves heartily for the responsiveness of their contingency planning department for recognizing and immediately seizing upon exploiting a potential revenue-generating opportunity following the devastating 8.8 magnitutude Chilean earthquake.

Repeating portions — with minor revisions — of the statement issued earlier in the day, a Holland America Lines spokesperson from the Office of the President noted, “We were looking at immediately diverting at least one, and possibly two, of our aging fleet of ships to the Hawaiian Islands to take advantage of the booming trend in Disaster Zone Cruising. Look at how popular RCL’s Labadee Beach cruises were in Haiti last month during such a devastating earthquake that killed over 200,00 people. It remains clear to us that our affluent and adventure-seeking clientele, based upon the success of our SS Veendam’s Mexican Riviera Hurricane Cruises last October, would have been clamoring for Hawaiian Tsunami cruises. This is an emerging, high-dollar trend in our industry.”

Holland America is determined not to be outdone by rival Royal Caribbean Lines’ successful Disaster Zone Cruises to Haiti during last month’s devastating earthquake.

The Holland America spokesperson added, “we’re viewing today’s mobilization as a live drill, and as a result we’re now much better prepared to realign our fleet to take advantage of the upcoming cyclone season in the Indian Ocean. We’re certainly planning to make port calls in Bangladesh as soon as that first category 3 or greater typhoon hits. Why should Royal Caribbean Lines get all of the action?”

Tsunami Cruises to Hawaii, latest trend in Disaster Zone Cruising

Tsunami Cruises to Hawaii, latest trend in Disaster Zone Cruising

February 27, 2010

by shf

SEATTLE, Wash. ( — Determined not to be outdone by rival Royal Caribbean Lines’ successful Disaster Zone Cruises to Haiti during last month’s devastating earthquake, Holland America Lines — based in Seattle, Washington — is rapidly mobilizing contingency plans to take advantage of the tsumumi striking the Hawaiian Islands within the hour.

Said a Holland America Lines spokesperson from the Office of the President, “We are looking at immediately diverting at least one, and hopefully two, of our aging fleet of ships to the Hawaiian Islands to take advantage of the booming trend in Disaster Zone Cruising. Look at how popular RCL’s Labadee Beach cruises were in Haiti last month during such a devastating earthquake that killed over 200,00 people. It is clear to us that our affluent and adventure-seeking clientele, based upon the success of our SS Veendam’s Mexican Riviera Hurricane Cruises last October, will be clamoring for these Hawaiian Tsunami cruises. This is an emerging high-dollar trend in our industry.”

Commented wannnabe U.S. President, Sarah Palin, on Fox News this morning, “Who gives a damn about elitist Hawaii anyway. When I’m President of these United States of America, I plan to trade Hawaii to China in exchage for wiping out our debt to them anyhow.”

Cuss Free Week coming to California

Cuss Free Week coming to California

February 25, 2010

by shf

SACRAMENTO, Calif. ( — Despite the massive budgetary disaster that threatens to sink California deep into the Pacific, State Assemblyman Anthony Portantino (D-La Canada Flintridge) flagrantly wasted taxpayers time and money this morning by introducing legislation to consider making next week a statewide profanity-free week.

He was rewarded for this ludicrous behavior with the Assembly approving a ceremonial resolution this morning, pronouncing the first week of March as a “Cuss Free Week.”

“Just when you thought that us Democrats couldn’t get any stupider, and give the GOP any more ammunition against us, one of us pulls a dumbass, shithead stunt like this!,” howled a long-time Democratic loyalist, “WTF was Portantino thinking using precious legislative time and resources under the scrutinizing gaze of rightfully pissed-off taxpayers in this state, especially when there are all kinds of critical obstructionist issues we need to be advancing to thwart the GOP?”

He added, “What is all this bullshit he’s talking about ‘wondering why we behave differently when grandma is watching than when we’re on our own?’ Is this any way to spend taxpayer money…introducing anti-cussing resolutions? My grandma uses the F word every single day of her life and she’s a kickass 92 year-old who can make a sailor blush. She claims that cussing vents her anger and keeps her feeling young and hip. She uses the F word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, whatever.”

This is not the first time that the California legislature has wasted taxpayer money on such foolishness. In 2007, the word “hell” was used in the Senate chambers and senators spent part of the day voting to debate on the appropriateness of using that word on the Senate floor. They ultimately agreed to disagree, wasting a hell of a lot of taxpayer resources in the process.

Now, that’s what good government is all about.

Plushenko awarded Polonium-210 medal

Plushenko awarded Polonium-210 medal

February 24, 2010

by shf

VANCOUVER, B.C. ( — Olympic figure skater, and classless sore loser, Evgeni Plushenko was unanimously awarded a Polonium-210 medal in Vancouver yesterday.

The special medal was awarded to the Russian skater for exhibiting extremely disrespectful behavior towards the International Olympic Committee and towards his fellow competitors.

Said an Olympian who insisted upon anonymity, “he scored a perfect ’10′ with his disrespectful and obscene behavior, so being awarded the first ever Olympic Polonium-210 medal makes an appropriate compliment to the fabricated Platinum medal that he awarded himself… and hey, after the IOC strips him of his Silver medal for unsportsmanlike conduct, at least he’ll have this one to remember his Olympic experience by for a few short days.”