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Megyn Kelly Essentially

Fox News commentator Megyn Kelly: That nice cop fed all of those ungrateful, dirty #OWS hippies a free vegetarian meal at taxpayer expense. #MegynKellyEssentially

¶ Posted 23 November 2011 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Megyn-Kelly-Essentially, pepper-spray, shf

Taylor Swift Pepper Sprayed by Cop

Singer Taylor Swift reacts to getting a mouthful of pepper spray from cop as she accepts the Favorite Country Music Album award for “Speak Now” at the 2011 American Music Awards in Los Angeles November 20, 2011.

¶ Posted 22 November 2011 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Pepper-Spray-Cop, shf, Taylor-Swift

Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to Netflix.com

From: Netflix
To: FastLaugh
Subject: Qwikster to dumpster, DVDs shackled to Netflix.com
Date: Mon, 10 Oct 2011

Dear Subscriber,

Reed was way too fucking embarrassed to send you another email himself. And besides, after that last one when he announced Qwikster, the Netflix Board of Directors refused to even let him see this one before we sent it out from ‘The Netflix Team.’

As you can now see, you are finally receiving this belated email several hours after news had already widely broken of our panicked decision to reverse our recent, deeply flawed decision where we arrogantly decided to split Netflix into two divisions without fully considering public sentiment.

At first, we thought we could get away with not even sending you an email at all today, but then, unfortunately, one of our interns noticed that it was Columbus Day and therefore a very slow news day. In retrospect, we definitely should have made this announcement last Wednesday afternoon when everyone was preoccupied with Steve Jobs.

Based upon the blizzard of media and public ridicule, the plunge of our stock, the massive subscription cancellations and downgrades, and all of the indignant hatemail that we received, it became painfully clear that for many of our members two websites was the deal-breaker, so we are kicking Qwikster to the dumpster and we are going to keep Netflix as one place to go for streaming and DVDs. Are you fucking happy now, asshole?

This means no change: one website, one account, one password… in other words, no Qwikster. Besides, we just could not get that stoner dude to give up his Twitter name.

Wait, come to think of it, there actually was one change. Stoner dude changed his weed-smoking, cartoon Elmo avatar.

While the July price gouge was necessary, we are now done with price changes until the next time.

We’re constantly increasing our streaming selection, however, most of it is stuff you have no interest in seeing at all.

Until we fuck up again and need to re-re-apologize,

The Netflix Team

¶ Posted 10 October 2011 § BUSINESS § ENTERTAINMENT § SCI/TECH § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: DVD, Netflix, Qwikster, Reed-Hastings, shf, streaming

Let them eat carp

SEPTEMBER 22, 2011

Let them eat carp

Qu’ils mangent de la carpe

by shf

CHICAGO (FastLaugh.com) — Asian carp are prolific, plankton-gobbling pests threatening to choke the life out of the Great Lakes, all the while an escalating number of Illinois residents go to bed hungry every night. Illinois officials launched an anti-hunger program today designed to address both crises, one bony, carpy nibble at a time.

The Illinois Department of Natural Resources held a public tasting event in Chicago, complete with a Louisiana chef and a team of paramedics on standby, to start a campaign that may lead to feeding the bony, carpy fish to people who might otherwise starve to death, or steal from wealthy people and political donors in order to eat.

Chef Philippe Parona deep-fried some carp cakes, and also sautéed a pan full of carp fillets containing several protruding, jagged bones.

The fillets, after being deep-fried in butter with a large dosing of Creole seasoning, had no detectable taste of their own thanks to the massive quantity of butter and seasoning needed to cover the otherwise carpy taste.

A homeless man, sampling the fare, was heard to say shortly before choking to death on a large carp bone, “Yum… It’s to die for!”

The carp cakes, slathered with a cheese and cream sauce, are as savory and moist as just about anything drowning in a cheese and cream sauce would be, according to Chef Parona. He noted that they “compared favorably with some of the overpriced soggy appetizers typically found at a 24-hour Denny’s along Interstate 70.”

It was not made clear whether the Illinois Department of Natural Resources would be supplying the state’s hungry residents with free butter, Creole seasoning, and cheese and cream sauces when it came time for them to prepare the bony, carpy tasting fish in their own homes or highway-underpass encampments.

“Fish translates to one thing: food,” Parona said. “Well, actually you could use these carp as fertilizer, but that’s not what I was paid to come here today and say. The idea to exploit Asian carp’s nutritional value has major obstacles, mainly overcoming the gag-provoking response that its outward appearance often inspires when someone thinks about eating it. After all, this is a butt-ugly fish that grows to 100 pounds and is able to sail out of the water.”

“We’re in uncharted water here. Well, actually, we’re in the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal,” said Illinois Department of Natural Resources spokesman Kris McLoud. “Why remove the carp and then dump them into a landfill when you can take them and use them for food? If we can get passed the name `carp’ and all of the dangerous bones that present a constant choking hazard, and all of that negative perception that comes with carp and bones and choking… we can prove this is going to be a highly nutritious, cheap meal. Now, I’ll be damned if I would eat carp or serve carp to my family since I earn a government salary and can buy real food, but the homeless and hungry should be grateful that we are feeding them something that we would have otherwise dumped into a landfill.”

The idea is modeled after a state highway program that collects roadkill meat and meat-by-products to be ground and distributed to food pantries.

But, there’s no system in place for netting Asian carp in large amounts and cleaning and distributing the fish. State officials don’t know the most feasible way to dole out the carp: minced or as bony fillets.

While eating Asian carp isn’t new — it’s consumed in China and in pretentious French restaurants — the first step to get it to the masses is countering the gag and choke factor.

Illinois officials appear to have their work cut out for them. Recent visitors to Our Lady of Grain Food Pantry in Chicago were skeptical. The pantry puts canned and dry goods, meat and bread in the food bags it gives out. If carp were to make its way there, workers would include it with the meat, leaving people to figure out how to cook the bony fish on their own.

“I wouldn’t eat it,” William Vincent, 49, an unemployed former bank worker, said with a look of disgust on his face.

“Ugh, I don’t know. I might if I got desperate enough,” said Christopher Walker, 25, a former moving company worker.

Chef Phillip Moss was among the first to serve it in a pompous Chicago establishment. “It’s nearly impossible to fillet because of all the jagged bones, but everyday cooks could use its minced form as a beef substitute.” Moss said. He then pointed out that “another now popular fish, the Chilean Sea Bass, was rebranded from its original name, Patagonian Toothfish.”

Nutritionists and food scientists tout Asian carp as low in mercury because they don’t eat other fish and are high in Omega-3 fatty acids.

These same nutritionists and food scientists were a bit less forthcoming when asked what other pollutants, toxic compounds and adulterants might be saturated in the carp’s flesh from their life in the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal.

Qu’ils mangent de la carpe.

Bone Appetit.

¶ Posted 22 September 2011 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: asian-carp, carp, chef, Chicago, Denny's, fish, fish-bone, homeless, hunger, Illinois, nutrition, roadkill, shf

An Explanation and Some Reflections from Netflix

From: Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO of Netflix
To: FastLaugh.com
Subject: An Explanation and Some Reflections
Date: Mon, 19 Sep 2011

Dear Netflix Subscriber,

I fucked up. Big time.

Now, with Netflix’s stock tanking and subscribers fleeing, I’m forced to do damage control since my board of directors and our PR folks told me I owed you a half-assed explanation.

In hindsight, I slid into arrogance based upon past success. But now I see that given the antagonizing changes we have been making recently, I should have personally given at least some justification to our members of why we are separating DVD and streaming, and charging about 60% more for both.

It is clear from the wave of cancellations, subscription downgrades, mockery and hate mail over the past two months that most of our members felt we had our head up our ass in the way we announced the separation of DVD and streaming and the price changes.

That was certainly not our intent, but we really couldn’t help ourselves after we lost touch and grossly underestimated the awareness and tolerance of our customers. Plus, we were very distracted with trying to jam a five-story, view-blocking construction project up the ass of the Los Gatos city council by threatening to take our tax revenue out of their fine community.

So… now I offer you my grudging apology and wish to hell that you would just go back to worrying and tweeting about Steve Jobs’ health.

I’ll try to explain how this mess happened and how we plan to mess up even more going forward.

For the past five years, my greatest fear at Netflix has been that we wouldn’t make the leap from success in DVDs to success in streaming.

Most companies that are great at something – like AOL dialup or Borders bookstores – do not become great at new things people want (streaming for us) because they are afraid to hurt their initial business. Eventually those companies realized their error of not focusing enough on the new thing, and began their desperate death spiral.

Recognizing this, we decided to take the opposite approach and die from arrogance and stupidity by intentionally fucking up our initial business and alienating our loyal customers just as viable competition was emerging.

So… we moved quickly into streaming and sucked up most of the bandwidth used in the U.S. every night.

Because we don’t respect you, we didn’t bother explaining why we are splitting the services and thereby jacking up your subscription to the point where you had begun noticing and caring what you were spending on our service every month.

We still don’t respect you, but here is what we are doing now and why.

We determined that streaming and DVD by mail are now completely imcompatable businesses with very different cost structures that need to be marketed differently.

It’s hard to write this after over 10 years of mailing DVDs with pride, but we think it is necessary: DVD by mail won’t last forever and maybe not even for another year, since the U.S. Postal Service is going bankrupt, axeing distribution centers, and will soon be cutting service to one day a week.

But…we want it to milk this for as long as possible, so in a few weeks we will rename our DVD by mail service “Qwikster”.

We chose this idiotic and highly mockable name, Qwikster, because the branding agency that charged us a few million bucks to come up with it and test it out on a focus group thought that it vaguely refers to quick delivery, plus it has the always fun-to-say suffix ‘ster’ at the end of its name!

We will keep the name “Netflix” for streaming since the focus group thought that the names Qwikflix and Netster sounded very contrived, unlike Qwikster that clearly sounds like it is a DVD by mail service to anyone with half a brain.

Qwikster will be the same website and DVD service that everyone is used to… except that it won’t be… since a negative of the renaming and separation is that the Qwikster.com and Netflix.com websites will have zero integration so DVD members will now have to go to qwikster.com to access their DVD queues and choose movies.

Members have been asking us for video games for many years, so now that DVD by mail has its own team we are finally getting it done just in time for video game distribution moving away from phyical distribution. Expect more forward-thinking improvements like this from the Qwikster brain-trust.

For me the Netflix red envelope has always been a source of joy. The new envelope is still that lovely red that leaves ink stains on your finger tips, your clothing, the floormats and seats of your car, your kitchen countertop, and just about any moist surface… but now it will have a Qwikster logo. I know that logo will grow on me over time, because my career as Netflix CEO depends upon it.

I want to apologize again to those members, both current and former, who felt we treated them thoughtlessly. You are right. We did.

If you are a former customer, please come back and give us the opportunity to do it to you again the next time we misread customer sentiment and take you for granted.

Grudgingly yours,

Reed Hastings, Co-Founder and CEO, Netflix

P.S. By the way, if you are a stockholder, please don’t hold it against me that our share price has plunged to 15% lower than it was at Christmas.

P.P.S. Also, you may recall that we spent $160 million of stockholders’ cash buying in shares at an average price of $222. So far investors have lost $47 million on that deal, but don’t worry about me! In January, I announced that I was selling chunks of my stock, under the automated “10b5” rules, so I’ve cashed out about $41 million since then.

P.P.P.S. If you are reading this, Jason C., yeah we fucked up and didn’t even bother to check to see that the @qwikster Twitter account had already been taken by you. Could you maybe please tone down the vulgarities… and also the mentions of your recreational drug use? In exchange for a free one-year subscription to Qwikster, would you maybe consider changing your Twitter avatar to something besides Sesame Street’s Elmo smoking a joint?

¶ Posted 19 September 2011 § BUSINESS § ENTERTAINMENT § SCI/TECH § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: AOL, Borders, DVD, Elmo, investor, joint, Los-Gatos, mail, Netflix, postal-service, Qwikster, red-envelope, Reed-Hastings, Sesame-Street, Steve-Jobs, stockholder, streaming, Twitter, USPS, video-game

Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan not running for POTUS

AUGUST 22, 2011

Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan not running for POTUS

Loses support of critical widow’s peak voting bloc

by shf

WASHINGTON, D.C. (FastLaugh.com) — Following a swirl of rumors started last week by political operative Karl Rove (@FakeTurdBlossom) that Munster was consulting with advisers and family members on a possible presidential run, FastLaugh has just learned from the Munster camp that the House Budget Committee chair has decided not to throw his hat into the ring.

UPDATE: Here’s the Munster statement:

“I grudgingly appreciated the support from those eager to chart a brighter future for the next generation. However, once you got to know me you realized that I was not the path to that brighter future and you stopped returning my calls or answering my emails. While unhumbled by this lack of encouragement, I have not changed my mind, and therefore I am not seeking our party’s nomination for President. Good luck picking a nominee from that crop of ass clowns.

¶ Posted 22 August 2011 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: ass-clown, campaign, Eddie-Munster, Karl-Rove, nomination, Paul-Ryan, POTUS, President, shf

Groovy, baby! “Austin Powers: Bond, Junk Bond”

AUGUST 14, 2011

Groovy, baby! “Austin Powers: Bond, Junk Bond”

Dr. Evil and Jean-Claude Trichet conspire in bid to collapse the Eurozone

By shf

FRANKFURT (FastLaugh.com) — Global financial markets were rocked as turmoil from the European debt crisis spiraled out of control, and investors raced to move their holdings to safe havens such as ‘Facebook Credits.’

Stoking mass confusion, fear and anger, the president of the European Central Bank, Jean-Claude Trichet, went on a shagadelic shopping spree and bought up massive amounts of shaky Italian and Spanish bonds, dozens of surplus Greek islands for an all-inclusive resort idea that he’d been toying with, and a ‘Sorry You’re Feeling Blue’ floral arrangement from 1-800-FLOWERS for Rupert Murdoch.

In response, British super-spy Austin Powers was urgently summoned from franchise-dormancy for a fourth installment, following publication of scandalous Wikileaks documents detailing how Trichet and Dr. Evil are conspiring to thwart the Eurozone’s push towards centralized policy-making.

Powers confronts Trichet’s and Dr. Evil’s goon-squad of Quants, Algorithm Jockeys, and High Frequency Traders at their cubicles and in the employee lunch room at Deutsche Börse in a desperate battle to save the Eurozone — and also to get CNBC’s Larry Kudlow to stop whining about everything like a little bitch.

¶ Posted 14 August 2011 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: algorithm, Austin-Powers, bank, bond, centralized-policy-making, CNBC, collapse, cubicle, debt-crisis, Deutsche-Börse, Dr.-Evil, ECB, European-Central-Bank, Eurozone, finance, groovy, high-frequency-trader, Italian-bonds, junk-bond, Larry-Kudlow, markets, quants, shagadelic, shf, Spanish-bonds, traders, Trichet, Wikileaks

Bachmann celebrates Ames Straw Poll victory with traditional corndog irrumatio at Iowa State Fair

AUGUST 14, 2011

Bachmann celebrates Ames Straw Poll victory with traditional corndog irrumatio at Iowa State Fair

Saves wurst for last as Tina Brown kicks self over last week’s premature ‘Crazy Eyes’ Newsweek cover

by shf

AMES, Iowa (FastLaugh.com) — Appearing on “Face the Nation” on Sunday morning, Rep. Michele Bachmann stood by her comment from Thursday’s Republican debate when she said that “wives should be submissive to their husbands.”

She clarified the point, reiterating that she meant “women should do whatever their husbands tell them to do no matter how humiliating.”

She proved that to be the case on Saturday at the Iowa State Fair, when her husband of thirty-three years, Marcus, insisted that she “perform traditional corndog irrumatio to celebrate their, er, her Ames Straw Poll victory.”

Asked about the irrumatio comment by CBS News’ Norah O’Donnell, and if she would use a different word in retrospect, Bachmann replied, “You know, I guess it depends on what word people are used to. Around the house Marcus just calls it skull-f#@king.”

¶ Posted 14 August 2011 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Ames-Straw-Poll, Bachmann, corndog, debate, Iowa-State-Fair, irrumatio, Marcus-Bachmann, Michele-Bachmann, Republican, shf, submissive

Marlins demote LoMo to Triple-A following repeated Twitter rants

AUGUST 13, 2011

Marlins demote LoMo to Triple-A following repeated Twitter rants

LoMo retaliates by tweeting nude locker room photos of Jack McKeon

by shf

MIAMI (FastLaugh.com) — The Marlins shook up their roster on Saturday night, serving harsh notice to a new generation of social media obsessed ballplayers by demoting one of their young, core players for tweeting from left field on his iPhone and causing last night’s 3-0 loss to the Giants.

Outfielder Logan Morrison, hitting a paltry .230 in his last 38 games, was shocked to learn that he was being optioned to Triple-A New Orleans after allowing a game-winning, three-run triple to sail over his head in left field while tweeting a stream of vitriol about manager Jack McKeon.

Following the resignation of manager Edwin Rodriguez in June and the firing of hitting coach John Mallee earlier this season, LoMo’s incessant bad-mouth tweeting of management had drawn stern criticism and reprimand from team president David Samson, however Morrison does not believe his demotion could have been the result of anything related to his tweets.

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, president of baseball operations Larry Beinfest, general manager Michael Hill, director of baseball operations Michael Wickham, Samson and McKeon cornered Morrison immediately after the game and delivered the bad news while taking turns smashing his iPhone like a piñata with a maple Louisville Slugger.

¶ Posted 13 August 2011 § shf § SPORTS ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: baseball, demotion, Giants, iPhone, Jack-McKeon, Logan-Morrison, LoMo, Louisville-Slugger, Marlins, MLB, piñata, shf, social-media, Triple-A, tweet, Twitter

Bachmann to trade Hawaii to China for debt forgiveness

AUGUST 10, 2011

Bachmann to trade Hawaii to China for debt forgiveness

by shf

AMES, IOWA (FastLaugh.com) — Elaborating on a radical debt reduction scheme trumpeted last year by presidential aspirant Sarah Palin, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) stated this evening on Fox News, “You know, we’ve got this ginormous… really, really ginormous… debt to China and it is growing and growing and growing by the day. So, I say that it is urgent… very urgent… that the U.S. starts selling off or trading or whatever, large chunks of our territory around the world to cover our debts and balance our budget.”

Bachmann continued, “When I’m sworn in as President, I would start off with elitist Hawaii right on my very first day in office. Hawaii is way, way out in the middle of the sea or the ocean or somewhere so it is really of no strategic use to America anymore in the twenty-first century. I will trade Hawaii straight-up to China in exchange for them wiping out our entire debt to them.”

She concluded her remarks by noting, “Also… and this is where it gets really, really good… the hardworking U.S. taxpayers will not get hit with the expense of America needing a new flag with only forty-nine states because I’ll immediately admit Puerto Rico as the fiftieth state. Just think how much better it will be to have America’s map all nice and tidy again with the fifty states now being all smooshed together on one page.”

Several residents of Hawaii, when asked to comment on Bachmann’s proclamation, were all in favor of becoming part of China if she were elected — to avoid enduring the embarrassment of having her as their President.

¶ Posted 10 August 2011 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Bachmann, balanced-budget, budget, China, debt, debt-reduction, elitist, embarrassment, flag, forty-nine-states, Fox News, Hawaii, map, Michele-Bachmann, ocean, Palin, POLITICS, President, Puerto-Rico, Sarah Palin, shf, statehood, taxpayer, Tea-Party

‘Leaked’ Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann Newsweek Cover

AUGUST 09, 2011

‘Leaked’ Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann Newsweek Cover

by shf

NEW YORK (FastLaugh.com) — Newsweek’s Editor-in-Chief Tina Brown reacted defensively this afternoon, chastising reigning Tea Party Queen, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) and her political advisors for “recklessly accusing Newsweek of resorting to recycling bottom-of-the-barrel moonbat photo cliches about ‘crazy-eyed’ conservative female public figures.”

The ‘Crazy Eye’ controversy erupted earlier today after the magazine used an unflattering photo of Bachmann on the cover of this week’s issue of Newsweek.

Newsweek swiftly retailiated against the Bachmann camp’s accusations late this afternoon by ‘leaking’ a new magazine cover featuring another of the dozens of ‘crazy-eyed’ photos taken of Bachmann during the photo shoot.

¶ Posted 09 August 2011 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Bachmann, Bachmann-magazine-cover, Crazy-Eye, eye, magazine, magazine-cover, Michele-Bachmann, Newsweek, photo, POLITICS, Queen, Tea-Party, Tea-Party-Queen, Tina-Brown

NBC blinks order for ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ script after CBS twitches nose for ‘Bewitched’

AUGUST 09, 2011

NBC blinks order for ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ script after CBS twitches nose for ‘Bewitched’

by shf

HOLLYWOOD (FastLaugh.com) — NBC, not to be outdone by rival network CBS, greenlighted a script order today for a potential remake of 60s sitcom, ‘I Dream of Jeannie.’

‘Jeannie’ ran for five seasons on NBC, from 1965 to 1970 and starred Barbara Eden as Jeannie, an impulsive Genie who lives with and eventually marries Captain Anthony Nelson, a U.S. Air Force astronaut (Larry Hagman).

Updating the original 60s storyline that had astronaut Nelson discovering a mysterious bottle containing a Genie (Jeannie) when his one-man space capsule lands near a deserted island in the South Pacific, the 2011 reboot (set in 2003) features Captain Anthony Nelson, a gay “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” U.S. Marine from the 1st Battalion, 7th Marines (1/7), Charlie Company who storms one of Saddam Hussein’s palaces in Baghdad during the takeover of the complex during Operation Iraqi Freedom.

While securing Saddam’s palace, Tony notices a strange bottle that rolls by itself. When he rubs it after removing the stopper, smoke starts billowing out and an overjoyed Arabic-speaking Genie in drag, wearing a head-to-toe hot pink chador, materializes and peers at him through the eye-slit.

Genie, who had been trapped in his bottle since Saddam fled the palace to hide in a spider hole, is so grateful to be released and so smitten with hunky Tony, that he hides his bottle in Tony’s backpack and follows him back to the Marine base.

Genie creates havoc for Tony at the barracks in Iraq, very nearly outing him several times. After Tony’s tour of duty ends, Genie follows him to Twenty-Nine Palms Marine Base in California and sets up house in Tony’s footlocker.

No word yet on who may be tapped to play Tony in the pilot, but rumors were flying around Hollywood tonight that Andy Serkis, best known to millions of fans for his CGI portrayals of the creature Gollum in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, as the giant ape Kong in King Kong, and as Caesar in Rise of the Apes, will be offered the role of the chador-clad, gender-bending Genie.

¶ Posted 09 August 2011 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Andy-Serkis, astronaut, backpack, Baghdad, Barbara-Eden, barracks, Bewitched, blink, Caesar, CBS, CGI, chador, chador-clad, deserted-island, don't-ask-don't-tell, drag, eye-slit, gay, gender-bending, Genie, genie-in-a-bottle, Gollum, Hollywood, I-Dream-of-Jeannie, Iraq, island, King-Kong, Larry-Hagman, Lord-of-the-Rings, Marine, NBC, network, nose-twitch, Operation-Iraqi-Freedom, outing, palace, Planet-of-the-Apes, remake, Rise-of-the-Apes, Saddam-Hussein, script, sitcom, South-Pacific, space-capsule, spider-hole, TV, Twenty-Nine-Palms-Marine-Base, USMC

A-Rod, MLB to discuss involvement in high-stakes poker games

AUGUST 09, 2011

A-Rod, MLB to discuss involvement in high-stakes poker games

by shf

NEW YORK (FastLaugh.com) — Alex Rodriguez will meet with officials from Major League Baseball investigating his involvement in high-stakes poker games.

MLB will sternly warn him to avoid these allegedly illegal underground poker games with unsavory characters such as Hollywood A-list stars where banned drugs such as deer antler spray were allegely used.

While A-Rod is not facing immediate risk of suspension, this will not be his first warning from MLB. He was previously ordered by baseball to refrain from these poker games despite there being no indication whatsoever that these games were illegal.

MLB’s executive committe is now strongly considering imposing a ban on all card games on team planes and in clubhouses, with the exception of “Go Fish” and “Old Maid.”

¶ Posted 09 August 2011 § shf § SPORTS ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: A-Rod, Alex-Rodriguez, bans, baseball, card-game, cards, clubhouse, deer-antler-spray, drugs, gambling, Go-Fish, high-stakes, Hollywood, illegal, Major-League-Baseball, MLB, Old-Maid, plane, poker, suspension, warning

Sheen, Gottfried teaming for new HDNet sitcom

Sheen, Gottfried teaming for new HDNet sitcom

March 17, 2011

by shf

DALLAS (FastLaugh.com) — BREAKING: Charlie Sheen and Gilbert Gottfried teaming for new sitcom on Mark Cuban’s HDNet, titled “Two Half-Assed Men.”

No further details are known at this time. Check FastLaugh for updates to this story.

¶ Posted 17 March 2011 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Charlie Sheen, Gilbert Gottfried, Gottfried, HDNet, Mark Cuban, Sheen, sitcom

Gilbert Gottfried lands new voiceover gig in Japan following firing by Aflac over tasteless Japan tsunami jokes

Gilbert Gottfried lands new voiceover gig in Japan following firing by Aflac over tasteless Japan tsunami jokes

March 14, 2011

by shf

TOKYO (FastLaugh.com) — Hours after being abruptly fired by Aflac for his series of tasteless tweets about Japan’s tsunami crisis, Gottfried has already landed a new voiceover gig.

Gottfried will provide the voice and personality of the spokesdolphin representing the Japanese tuna fishing industry’s ‘Dolphin-Safe” Tuna.

He will provide his usual annoying, ear-splitting vocalizations in this new role — now portraying a grateful, hapless dolphin who’s life is spared after he gets ensnared in a Japanese drag fishing net.

¶ Posted 14 March 2011 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Aflac, dolphin, Dolphin-Safe Tuna, drag fishing net, duck, ear-splitting, fishing net, Gilbert Gottfried, Japan, Japanese tuna fishing industry, spokesdolphin, tasteless, tsunami, tuna fishing, tweets, Twitter, voiceover

Ben & Jerry’s proceeds with plans to test market several flavors of breast milk ice cream in London

Ben & Jerry’s proceeds with plans to test market several flavors of breast milk ice cream in London

March 2, 2011

by shf

LONDON (FastLaugh.com) — Unilever PLC (ULVR.LN) confirmed today that despite overblown hepatitis fears from the Health Protection Agency and the Food Standards Agency that led to upstart ice cream maker Icecreamists Baby Gaga Breast Milk Ice Cream being confiscated from an independent shop in the city’s tourist district, they are planning to test market several flavors of their own version of Ben & Jerry’s Breast Milk Ice Cream in London this summer.

A Unilever company statement released today indicated that, “Clearly, Icecreamists demonstrated that there is a very strong curiosity and public demand for a super premium breast milk ice cream product. Our size enables us to scale a competing brand with very high name recognition value to market rapidly. As Matt O’Connor, the proprietor of Icecreamists, correctly asserted — lactating mothers are required to undergo the same health checks used by the UK’s National Health Service to screen blood donors. That rigorous government health standard satisfies Unilever’s quality commitment, and we see this as an opportunity to leverage the Ben & Jerry’s brand name to lead rapid growth across an entirely new segment of the frozen dessert industry.”

Ben & Jerry’s plans to introduce a limited production run of seven new flavors in June. They are:

Peanut Butter D-Cup
Udderscotch Cream
Booberry Swirl
Mint Chocolate Nip
Cinnamon SugarTeat
Pendulous Peach Pecan
Lovely Bunch of Coconut Caramel Cleavage

Ben & Jerry’s is also rumored to be developing a chocolate and pumpkin Halloween-themed breast milk ice cream to be introduced in early October named “Trick or Teat.”

¶ Posted 02 March 2011 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Baby Gaga, Ben & Jerry’s, blood donor, breast milk, breast milk ice cream, butterscotch, caramel, chocolate, cinnamon, cleavage, coconut, dessert, frozen dessert, Halloween, hepatitis, ice cream, Icecreamists, lactating mother, London, peach, Peanut Butter, pecan, pumpkin, super premium ice cream, teat, Udderscotch, Unilever

‘Two and a Half Men’ role reversal… Jake now a man… Charlie now only half a man…

‘Two and a Half Men’ role reversal… Jake now a man… Charlie now only half a man…

March 1, 2011

Burbank, CA (FASTLAUGH.com)

Posted by shf

¶ Posted 01 March 2011 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Charlie Sheen, Jake, Two and a Half Men

shf happens on the road: Texting and driving and elk, Oh my!

shf happens on the road: Texting and driving and elk, Oh my!

August 2, 2010

by shf

Grand Teton National Park, WY (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note of warning to that graceful elk blissfully sauntering across U.S. Route 89 in Grand Teton National Park.

Hey, there — graceful, blissful, sauntering elk…

Since so many drivers in Grand Teton National Park are texting rather than keeping their eyes on the road — and since just beyond the protective confines of Grand Teton National Park, elk burgers are the daily lunch special at a popular roadhouse — you might just want to maybe consider looking both ways before stepping into traffic.

Thanks for that brake-stomping, texting-interupting, near-miss memory in Grand Teton National Park, Wyoming.

¶ Posted 02 August 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: brake-stomping, distracted driving, driving, elk, elk burger, Grand Teton National Park, lunch special, national park, roadhouse, texting, traffic, U.S. Route 89, Wyoming

shf happens on the road: Communication brake-down

shf happens on the road: Communication brake-down

July 28, 2010

by shf

Bighorn Mountain, WY (FASTLAUGH.com) — Hey there, Mr. Forty-Five Foot RV Guy with the Texas plates…

That was quite the intestine-liquefying scare you gave yourself and family while careening down from 9,430 feet on Bighorn Mountain in Wyoming, with your SUV wildly in tow… wasn’t it?

How exceptionally fortunate for you and your family – and especially for those oncoming vehicles — that your brakes failed just precisely when they did, giving you the thinnest of margins to barrel towards redemption at that last-chance, runaway truck ramp.

Surely you came to realize, as your behemoth RV was being gingerly towed down that mountainside and your precious family’s safety was at least temporarily assured, that your brakes could have just as easily failed as you sped with your family towards an encounter with that rockslide around that hairpin curve that was just a few hundred yards beyond that exceptionally fortunate last-chance, runaway truck ramp.

Cocooned and omnipotent in your massive vehicle, you were guy-certain and Texas-proud that you could pilot your way down that 10% grade with all of those sharp curves, dropping 3,600 feet in 13 miles without any regard to gravitational force!

No? Oh, that’s right. You didn’t even see that huge sign placed strategically by the highway department for your safety. It was yellow. It had words on it… even a picture!

Shortly before you blew passed that huge, yellow sign you may have noticed that there was also a sign with pleas and warnings from the highway department.

They were imploring you to stop and carefully examine the upcoming huge, yellow sign with the words and the picture on it before proceeding down the mountain.

No? You didn’t see that one either?

Too bad, because it contained actual, useful instructions for your safety and for the safety of the drivers you would be encountering.

You were asked nicely, with clearly-marked highway department signage, to study that map carefully for the location of safety areas, should you need one of them on your descent.

Is this sinking in yet, Mr. Forty-Five Foot RV Guy with the Texas plates? Do you realize what a very lucky dude you were that day?

Thanks for obliviously jeopardizing the lives and well-being of your fellow travelers in this very special Bighorn Mountain, Wyoming memory.

¶ Posted 28 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Bighorn Mountain Wyoming, brake failure, careening, driver, forty-five foot RV, gravitational force, hairpin curve, highway department, instructions, intestine-liquefying scare, maps, mountain, rockslide, runaway truck ramp, RV, safety, signage, state highway department, SUV, Texas, Texas plates, Wyoming

shf happens on the road: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

shf happens on the road: Sign, sign, everywhere a sign

July 28, 2010

by shf

Buffalo Gap National Grassland, SD (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note to the South Dakota Department of Transportation.

Hey there, SDDOT…

One afternoon recently, a somewhat startled traveler on Highway 44, just west of Scenic, SD in the Buffalo Gap National Grassland, was driving through that vast, undulating grassland and wondered aloud, “What the hell, South Dakota Department of Transportation?”

The somewhat startled traveler had been pondering the fact that every time the grieving family and friends of Lloyd Looking Elk drove by his roadside memorial at the base of that beautiful hillside in the Buffalo Gap National Grassland, how truly grateful they must be to your fine department for so gently and compassionately reminding them of their loss.

Evidently, state-sponsored signage that callously jeers “Why Die? – X Marks the Spot – Drive Safely,” is South Dakota’s masterful solution to the epidemic of vehicular deaths in Indian Country, a good many of which are alcohol-related.

You’re certainly doing a wonderful job with this awareness campaign by keeping SDDOT’s sign painters and installers very busy these days — and with long-term job security for them too. Good for you guys!

The somewhat startled traveler observed, tragically, many dozens of these “Why Die?” signs scattered about the highway shoulders, ravines and hillsides throughout Buffalo Gap National Grassland, and the adjacent Pine Ridge Indian Reservation.

Those many utility crews being paid to repair those many shattered telephone poles along your highways seemed to be one of the major economic activities taking place on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation that recent afternoon when the somewhat startled traveler passed through.

Meanwhile, literally just moments south of Pine Ridge, across the state line in Whiteclay, Nebraska, a law enforcement officer comfortably hunkered down in his air-conditioned cruiser awaiting one-mile-over-the-limit speeders, while several locals — presumably from both sides of the state line — lay drunken and sprawled face-first on the hot ground nearby.

Thanks so much, SDDOT, for providing a somewhat startled traveler with a very powerful — and very disturbing — South Dakota memory.

Bonus points awarded to Whiteclay, Nebraska!

¶ Posted 28 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: alcohol-related death, Buffalo Gap National Grassland, Department of Transportation, drive safely, drunken, grassland, highways, hillside, Indian Country, Indian Reservation, job security, law enforcement officer, Lloyd Looking Elk, memorial, Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, ravine, roadside memorial, safety, Scenic South Dakota, SDDOT, sign painter, signage, South Dakota, South Dakota Department of Transportation, speeding, telephone pole, utility crew, Whiteclay Nebraska, Why Die?, X Marks the Spot

shf happens on the road: In the dumps at KOA

shf happens on the road: In the dumps at KOA

July 26, 2010

by shf

Plattekill, NY (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note to the management of Recreational Adventures Company — a family-owned and operated business — and the largest franchisee of KOA Kampgrounds of America.

Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. Kamp… and to the rest of the fine Kamp family!

You might want to consider training your staff to better coordinate their convoluted stories and fibs regarding the gross sanitary deficiencies present at the RV dump station of your Plattekill, NY KOA.

Better yet, you might want to consider actually spending a few bucks to make some simple fixes and remediate those gross sanitary deficiencies present at the RV dump station of your Plattekill, NY KOA.

On a very hot and very humid day, when that sweaty, annoyed stranger asked various members of your staff why there was no water faucet with a standard hose connector at your RV dump station — it was not a question asked of idle curiousity or of boredom.

It was asked because the sweaty, annoyed stranger very much needed a water faucet with a standard hose connector to be readily available for sanitation after de-sewaging a ripe RV holding tank on that very hot and very humid day, and because the sweaty, annoyed stranger had very reasonable expectations that a water faucet with a standard hose connector would be readily available in proximity to your RV dump station.

Instead, what a sweaty stranger encountered at your RV dump station, and which prompted him to become the sweaty, annoyed stranger that your staff then encountered, was a nearly useless stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting.

Oh, but the stories your staff spun!

“Well, I know that we used to have a water faucet with a standard hose connector, but people kept driving off without properly disconnecting from it so we just stopped providing that.”

OK, so why not charge everyone a $20.00 ‘water faucet with a standard hose connector’ deposit, and upon them successfully not being a dumb ass and driving away with your equipment still attached to their RV they get their deposit back? Nope, you didn’t care much for that suggestion from the sweaty, annoyed stranger.

“The State of New York Health Department prohibits us, and every other campground in New York, from providing a water faucet with a standard hose connector at RV sanitary dump sites because of concerns about fecal contamination.”

How wonderful that you have wisely heeded this supposed State of New York Health Department dictum, and have completely avoided all threats of fecal contamination at your RV dump station by not providing a water faucet with a standard hose connector.

Tell that bit of good news to the young brother and sister who were giddily splashing and playing water games in that puddle of fecal-contaminated water next to your nearly useless stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting at the RV dump station. Evidently, that stub of hose with an unthreaded fitting wasn’t nearly so useless after all. Just ask those kids.

When the sweaty, annoyed stranger pointed out the irony of that young brother and sister playing in sewage water to a member of your staff, and also commented on the fact that there was absolutely no signage to be found indicating that your dump station area contained both non-potable AND potentially contaminated water, the member of your staff changed tactics and resorted to unintelligible mumbling.

Meanwhile, from just a few feet away, came the continuing melody of joyful and innocent delight — youngsters at play with the hose stub, spraying each other with cool water on a very hot and very humid summer day. No matter that they were splashing around in sewage. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.

As a family-owned business, and presumably as parents, would you really want or allow your kids to be splashing around and playing in unmarked sewage?

Good thing you no longer provide a water faucet with a standard hose connector at your KOA in Plattekill, N.Y. You wouldn’t want to expose your guests to any health risks.

Thanks so much for providing a special Hudson Valley, New York memory.

¶ Posted 26 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: campground, contaminated water, de-sewaging, dump, family-owned, fecal contamination, fibs, franchisee, health risk, holding tank, hose connector, hose stub, hot and humid, kampground, Kampgrounds of America, KOA, non-potable, Plattekill NY, recreational adventures company, RV, sanitary deficiencies, sanitation, sewage, signage, splashing, State of New York Health Department, stranger, water faucet

shf happens on the road: Bighorn Medicine Wheel

shf happens on the road: Bighorn Medicine Wheel

July 24, 2010

by shf

Medicine Wheel (Bighorn National Forest), WY (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note to the obnoxious tourist family with the brood of unruly, ADD children.

Hey dude and Mrs. dude…

When you conceived, and then acted upon, that brilliant idea of dragging your behaviorally-impaired young children up the side of a 9,800 ft. mountain in Wyoming for a strenuous hike to a centuries-old Native American sacred site, what exactly were you thinking?

Near the top of the mountain, close to the medicine wheel, a justifyably annoyed and concerned stranger shouted your way calling you out for allowing your children to scatter off the marked trail and disrespectfully traipse on such a delicate and sacred landscape despite you having being told this was not permitted by the friendly rangers at the U.S. Forest Service at the base of the trail upon your arrival at Medicine Wheel.

What parts of “You MUST Stay on the Trail” and “This is a very fragile, sacred landscape millions of years old” and “STAY OFF” didn’t you and your kids quite understand?

A short while later, returning to the base of the trail, the same justifyably annoyed and concerned stranger had a few well-chosen words with those same friendly rangers at the U.S. Forest Service and advised them to, in turn, have a few sharp words about respect for the land and respect for rules with the obnoxious tourist family with the brood of unruly, ADD children.

The rangers were advised to be on the lookout for a portly family with several whining, Craisen-eating, Craisen-littering, under-dressed, shivering children.

Sadly, that probably described several other families who were there mauling the landscape that afternoon, so you got off the hook from receiving a well-deserved U.S. Forest Service lecture.

Just so you know, dude and Mrs. dude… America’s national parks, monuments, forests, and sacred Native American sites are national treasures to be respected and preserved for future generations. They are not your playgrounds for commiting thoughtless acts of erosion and litter. Got it?

Thanks so much for providing such a high-quality, high-altitude Wyoming memory.

¶ Posted 24 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: ADD, Bighorn Mountains, children, Craisen, dude, erosion, forest, forest ranger, hike, litter, Medicine Wheel, monument, national treasure, Native American, respect, rules, sacred, tourist, U.S. Forest Service, Wyoming

shf happens on the road: Wisconsin’s Cheese Toll

shf happens on the road: Wisconsin’s Cheese Toll

July 24, 2010

by shf

Beloit, WI (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note of thanks to the Wisconsin Department of Transportation.

Dear WisDOT,

How refreshing and instantly pleasing it was to cross into your lovely green state after grinding through the repetitive landscape of sticky-fingered toll-booth plazas across Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois.

After grudgingly dropping about $50.00 in tolls across those three states simply for the privelege of traversing their battered and crumbling portions of I-80, it was wonderful to encounter no toll booths upon entering Wisconsin.

Your roadways were generally well-paved and smooth, with lane markings well-defined. A true pleasure!

So, how do you do all of this — and do it so well — without filling legions of toll-booths with patronage jobs?

Clearly, the answer is the legendary Wisconsin Cheese Toll.

The massive CHEESE signs at your visitor centers trigger an instant, insatiable urge for curd.

How economically progressive to entice highway travelers passing through your state to gladly pay a de facto toll in the form of sales tax (and cholesterol intake) from some of the finest cheeses known to man?

Well played, WisDOT!

Thanks so much for providing a delicious, artery-clogging Wisconsin memory.

SPECIAL NOTE: If you’re reading this, OhioDOT… how about fixing up I-80 just a wee bit, at least to third-world standards perhaps? More importantly, how about now chipping in that $21.65 towards a front-end alignment?

¶ Posted 24 July 2010 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: alignment, artery, cheese, cheese toll, cholesterol, crumbling infrastructure, curd, I-80, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, OhioDOT, sales tax, tax, toll booth, traveler, Wisconsin, Wisconsin DOT

shf happens on the road: Roadkill in Pennsylvania

shf happens on the road: Roadkill in Pennsylvania

July 23, 2010

by shf

Roadkill, PA (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note to the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation.

Dear PennDOT,

Your Welcome Center Division is to be commended for having such incredibly visionary vision: “By assisting motorists as they enter Pennsylvania, the Welcome Center Division will drive safe, efficient and economic stimulating travel throughout the Commonwealth.”

So, here’s a question for you guys… when a driver leaves the relative safety of one of your Welcome Centers behind and enters the vast (and seemingly endless) hinterlands of your state, just how much exploded and rotting roadkill in various stages of decay can they witness on a per mile basis before becoming too distracted and nauseated to drive safely, thereby defeating your Welcome Center Division’s safety vision?

Have you guys even driven on I-80 or I-81 lately? Is your state budget so blown that you can’t pay a few people to occasionally remove the THOUSANDS of carcasses from your highway shoulders and lanes of traffic? Is this how you guys define safety?

Don’t ask your State Police… they’re too busy generating revenue by writing speeding tickets near the bottom of hills.

Thanks so much for providing a special Pennsylvania memory.

¶ Posted 23 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: budget, carcass, decay, DOT, highway, hinterland, motorist, nausea, PennDOT, Pennsylvania, roadkill, safety, speeding ticket, visionary, welcome center

shf happens on the road: Gas pains in South Dakota

shf happens on the road: Gas pains in South Dakota

July 22, 2010

by shf

Chamberlain, SD (FASTLAUGH.com) — Note to the befuddled gas station cashier in Chamberlain, South Dakota.

When a customer prepays you $60.00 for gas and tells you that they will return for their change and receipt, they have good reason to expect a dollar bill as change from $59.01 in fuel.

So, yes, they are quite justified in questioning your intelligence and sanity for counting out the exact change to the penny.

Obviously, you didn’t bother to read the “Leave a Penny, Take a Penny” memo that has been going around for years.

Just so you know… the penny is basically worthless. Practically dead. Nearly valueless. Yet, you insisted on slowly and painfully counting out ninety-nine cents change.

Thanks so much for providing a special South Dakota memory.

¶ Posted 22 July 2010 § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: befuddled, cashier, Chamberlain South Dakota, dollar, fuel, gas pains, gasoline, penny, South Dakota

BP fesses to photo fraud

BP fesses to photo fraud

July 22, 2010

by shf

Houston, TX (FASTLAUGH.com) — Beyond Pathetic now confirms what had already been widely suspected — that it intentionally posted photoshopped images of its Houston, TX Gulf of Mexico oil spill response crisis room, in a veiled attempt to portray competency and situational awareness.

Scott Dean, BP’s reluctant spokesperson, confessed that a company photographer photoshopped the pictures so it would appear as if there were actual productive activity and situational awareness occurring in the crisis room, rather than displaying multiple blank screens conveying apathy and incompetency.

Dean noted in his email statement:”Normally we only use Photoshop for the typical purposes of colour correction, cropping, and quick removal of all images that portray CEO Tony Hayward enjoying having his life back.”

¶ Posted 22 July 2010 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Beyond Pathetic, BP, British Petroleum, confession, crisis room, fraud, Gulf of Mexico oil spill, Houston, oil spill, pathetic, photographer, photoshop, situational awareness, spokesperson, Texas, Tony Hayward

Windows 7 SP1 beta leaked, OS tweaks coming late 2010

Windows 7 SP1 beta leaked, OS tweaks coming late 2010

April 8, 2010

by shf

REDMOND, Wash. (FASTLAUGH.com) — With the launch of Windows 7 now several months old, and nearly one-third of users having reported problems with upgrading to Windows 7 claiming that the process is buggy, it’s time to get ready for a new fiasco from that company you love to hate as Microsoft just leaked its Windows 7 SP1 beta (build 6.1.7601.16537.amd64fre.win7.100327-0053).

As previously reported on FASTLAUGH.com (Windows 7 installation bug resolved — December 10, 2009), the most common gripe at the time was that the half-day upgrade process got to the 62% completed point and then froze. Microsoft reluctantly conceded that it was a problem and posted a workaround on its web site.

“We determined that the bug was due to the Windows 7 installer inexplicably emulating the inverse golden ratio of roughly 0.6180340,” explained an anonymous source within Microsoft, “This is a fixable problem, despite being aggravating and excessively time consuming for users.”

“Anyone with an advanced degree in Mathematics, Physics or Computer Science can readily override this bug,” the source added, “The workaround consists of opening the computer and obtaining the exact physical dimensions of the hard drive and then calculating its irrational mathematical constant using Pi in place of Graham’s number (which was erroneously used in coding the installer), and then simply going into the advanced settings and performing a registry hack to enter the mean derived value.”

In the intervening months, only 0.05% of users were able to successfully execute this workaround, leaving legions of Windows 7 users with compromised machines and, more recently, iPad-envy.

Fortunately for all, Windows 8 will be just around the corner in a couple of years with a brand new assortment of bugs and installer glitches to delight you.

We can’t wait!

¶ Posted 08 April 2010 § BUSINESS § SCI/TECH § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 62%, advanced degree, advanced settings, beta, bugs (computer), calculations, coding, compromised machine, computer science, computers, critical Windows 7 bugs, fixes, golden ratio, Graham's number, hack, hard drive, installation, inverse golden ratio, iPad envy, irrational mathematical constant, mathematics, mean derived value, Microsoft, operating systems, physics, Pi, registry hack, Service Packs, software, software upgrades, Windows 7, Windows 7 SP1 beta, Windows 8, workarounds

Marriage Ref spin-offs in the works, Seinfeld and NBC confirm

(AP Photo)

Marriage Ref spin-offs in the works, Seinfeld and NBC confirm

March 11, 2010

by shf

NEW YORK (FASTLAUGH.com) — Grateful NBC executives profusely thanked producer-comedian Jerry Seinfeld today for coming to the Peacock Network’s rescue, with the Seinfeld-produced The Marriage Ref placing a comedy tourniquet on their self-inflicted hemorrhage in the Thursday 10 PM time slot.

The Marriage Ref immediately injected life into the moribund time slot most recently held by the ratings-impaired Jay Leno.

Last week, in its first weeknight outing, The Marriage Ref won the coveted 18-49 demographic for its time slot, prompting newly confident NBC executives to immediately begin formulating plans to strip Ref spinoffs across their entire weeknight schedule in the 10 PM time slot as a solid lead-in for its network affiliate’s late local news.

Commenting on his network’s latest face-saving attempt, Jeff Gaspin, Chairman of NBC Universal Television Entertainment, indicated “…we realized that it was time to turn the 10 PM weeknight slot over to Jerry. We don’t know of anyone better qualified to turn nothing into something. The last occupant of the time slot turned something into nothing and very nearly cost me my job.”

Gaspin continued, “We have already green-lighted four premarital and postmarital spin-offs. They are The Roommate Ref, The Divorce Ref, The Custody Ref, and The Inmate Ref. We are most excited about The Inmate Ref since we can reuse prisoners, cell mates, and stories that we’ve encountered while producing Lockup, a long-running prison series appearing on our sister network, MSNBC. How’s that for synergy between NBC Universal’s networks? It almost makes it appear like we know what we are doing.”

Gaspin also confirmed that Jay Leno will be one of three guest panelists on the debut episode of The Inmate Ref, noting, “…that’s about the only way NBC affiliates will ever allow Leno to be seen in weeknight prime time again.”

NBC’s press kit describes The Inmate Ref as being “…just like The Marriage Ref… except the bars are made of steel, not gold and diamonds.”

¶ Posted 11 March 2010 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: appreciation, cell mate, comedian, comedy, criminal, demographics, diamonds, face-saving, gold, hemorrhage, inmate, jail, jail cell, Jay Leno, Jeff Gaspin, Jerry Seinfeld, Leno, Lockup, marriage, Marriage Ref, moribund, MSNBC, NBC, NBC affiliates, NBC Universal, network, panelist, Peacock, postmarital, premarital, press kit, prime-time, prisoner, producer, ratings, ref, Seinfeld, self inflicted, spin off, steel bars, synergy, television executive, The Custody Ref, The Divorce Ref, The Inmate Ref, The Marriage Ref, The Roommate Ref, time slot, tourniquet

NBC’s incessant promos for TV show Parenthood during coverage of Winter Olympics spur condom distribution record

NBC’s incessant promos for TV show Parenthood during coverage of Winter Olympics spur condom distribution record

March 2, 2010

by shf

VANCOUVER, B.C. (FASTLAUGH.com) — The 2010 Vancouver Olympics have “captured the gold medal for most condoms distributed at a Winter Games,” it was claimed today by an official of Vancouver Coastal Health, who noted that this massive distribution of rubbers “…was part of a greater effort to improve HIV and AIDS awareness, and also in response to the massive screwing that NBC was giving to its viewing audience.”

The precedent for condom distribution at the Olympics was established in Barcelona, Spain during the 1992 Summer Olympics. The Vancouver condoms were provided by the British Columbia Centre for Disease Control, with an additional emergency supply provided by the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research.

The combination of randy, young athletes performing at their physical and sexual primes, combined with the incessant commercials, teases, promos, billboards, and swag for NBC’s upcoming — and soon to be cancelled show — Parenthood, are widely viewed as the chief reasons for the unprecedented surge in condom use.

During the seventeen-day winter extravaganza, the health agency distributed nearly 100,000 condoms bearing NBC’s logo and the Olympic rings.

One of the athletes, only half-joking, commented, “Considering the bend-over screwing that the American viewing audience just got from NBC (the aptly named Peacock Network) during their pathetic broadcasts of these Olympics with their incessant commercials, self-promotion, and disjointed coverage — and are sure to get again in four years — it seems very appropriate that a few million of these NBC logo condoms should also be distributed to their viewing audience in time for Sochi in 2014.”

¶ Posted 02 March 2010 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf § SPORTS ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 2010 Olympics, 2014, AIDS, AIDS awareness, AIDS Research, athletes, audience, Barcelona Spain, billboard, British Columbia, British Columbia Centre for Disease Control, broadcast, Canada, Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research, commercials, condom, condom distribution, disjointed coverage, gold medal, health agencies, HIV, incessant commercials, massive screwing, NBC, NBC logo, NBC logo condoms, Olympic coverage, Olympic rings, Olympics, Parenthood, Peacock Network, physical prime, promo, randy, records, rubbers, Russia, screwing, self promotion, sex, sexual prime, Sochi, Spain, Summer Olympics, swag, tease, TV, Vancouver B.C., Vancouver Coastal Health, viewing audience, Winter Olympics

Y2K redux, Sony’s PlayStation 3 units crippled by 8001050F error likely due to calendar rollover screw up

Y2K redux, Sony’s PlayStation 3 units crippled by 8001050F error likely due to calendar rollover screw up

March 1, 2010

by shf

FOSTER CITY, Calif. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Demonstrating a cautionary tale of the extraordinary power being ceded by humanity to advanced technology, and being wielded by seemingly innocuous calendar bugs to thoroughly disrupt daily life in our technology-dependant world, a leap-year calendar glitch today has temporarily rendered Sony’s PlayStation Network globally impotent.

As February yielded to March on February 28, a firmware bug is the suspected culprit in older “fat” PS3 units around the globe — newer slim line units have been unaffected — as they experienced calendar resets to December 31, 1999 or January 1, 2000 instead of the expected March 1, 2010, and have prohibited users from logging into their accounts or playing online.

The 8001050F error has caused havoc as users report missing or corrupt trophy data with games performing trophy sync checks at startup. Sony has issued three updates on its Twitter account thus far, informing its apoplectic user base of millions that they are “aware that many of you are having problems connecting to PSN, and yes, we’re looking into it… We’re narrowing down the issue and continue to work to restore service to all… Readers/followers are confirming that “slim” units (120/250 GB models) are connecting normally.”

Singing an old Prince song with anticipatory laughter, a retired Y2K consultant and master programmer who became quite wealthy during the Y2K fiasco ten years ago and is eagerly anticipating Sony’s call for rescue on this botch job, warbled “Let’s party like its 1999… Alright, it’s 1999. You say it, 1999. 1999. 1999 don’t stop, don’t stop, say it one more time.”

He continued, “Lately, I’ve just been kinda’ bored sitting around the house so I’ve been hacking the electronics on my recalled 2010 Prius to fix the brake problem since Toyota can’t get their act together, but I’m ready to help Sony fix this dumbass PS3 problem. They just need to pick up the phone and wire me funds. The launch last week of their PS3-exclusive game, Heavy Rain (February 23-24), will become derisively known as Flash Flood if they don’t get a handle on this right away.”

Tech savvy PS3 owners of older “fat” units are wisely keeping their machines powered off and keeping them disconnected from the internet while Sony struggles to resolve this embarrassing meltdown.

Calendar rollover problems are not a new phenomenon, and certainly did not start with the Y2K fiasco ten years ago.

In the year 999, having failed to fully anticipate a host of issues associated with the event, a far less sophisticated and far less technological world met the rollover to Y1K with a yawn (and in some societies, ritual sacrifice).

At the dawn of the previous millennium, technologists of the day were caught unaware and unprepared, so on January 1, 1000 things didn’t go so well for society.

To wit –

- Merchants stopped accepting Medieval Express cards because expiration dates kept coming up as 900 C.E.

- Knights had problems cashing in their frequent crusader miles

- There was a lack of trained technicians to repair beads on abacuses

- Sundials kept flashing 12:00 A.M.

- There were long lines and mass hysteria at toy stalls over shortages of Attila the Hun dolls

- The timers on Mr. Barbarian Automatic Mead Makers malfunctioned

- Payroll errors caused widespread peasant and troll revolts

- There were synchronization problems with the drawbridges and moats

- Shipping and distribution errors created severe parts shortages for pillories, racks and catapults

- Navigation systems malfunctioned, causing explorer’s ships to fall off the edge of the world

By comparison, your PS3 — or your Twitter account for that matter — being down for a few hours ain’t so bad.

Oh, and FYI… the robots know well of our growing dependency, our growing complacency, and our increasing windows of vulnerability.

They are patiently waiting.

Keep having fun!

¶ Posted 01 March 2010 § BUSINESS § ENTERTAINMENT § SCI/TECH § shf § SOCIETY ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 2010 Prius, 8001050F error, 999, abacus, advanced technology, apoplectic, Attila the Hun, automobile recalls, beads, boredom, botch job, brake problems, brakes, calendar bugs, calendar error, calendar glitch, calendar reset, Calendar rollover problems, catapults, cautionary tale, complacency, computer programmer, corrupt data, crusader, dependency, derision, disruption, distribution errors, dolls, drawbridges, dumbass, edge of the world, electronics, embarrassing meltdown, expiration date, explorer, explorer’s ship, falling off the edge of the world, fat PS3, fiasco, firmware, firmware update, Flash Flood, frequent crusader miles, GPS, hacker, hacking, havoc, Heavy Rain, hysteria, internet, Japan Inc., knights, leap-year, leap-year calendar glitch, log on, logging in, malfunctions, mass hysteria, mead, Medieval Express cards, meltdown, merchants, missing data, moats, Mr. Barbarian, navigation, navigation systems, online gaming, parts shortages, party like it’s 1999, payroll error, peasant, pillories, PlayStation 3, PlayStation Network, prince, Prius, PS3, PS3-exclusive game, PSN, racks, recalls, redux, revolt, ritual sacrifice, robots, rollover, screw ups, seemingly innocuous calendar bugs, shipping errors, shortages, singing, slim line PS3, slim PS3, songs, Sony, Sony's PlayStation 3, startup routine, sundial, synchronization problems, tech savvy, technicians, technologist, technology-dependant world, timers, toy stalls, Toyota, toys, trained technician, troll, trophy data, trophy-sync check, Twitter, user base, vehicle recalls, vulnerability, window of vulnerability, Y1K, Y2K, Y2K consultant

Sanford to be featured in PETA ad, replacing Tiger Woods

Sanford to be featured in PETA ad, replacing Tiger Woods

February 28, 2010

by shf

CHARLESTON, S.C. (FASTLAUGH.com) – South Carolina’s randy, philandering Governor Mark Sanford has been selected to replace Tiger Woods as the new poster boy for an upcoming ‘Spay or Neuter’ ad campaign by animal rights group PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).

PETA’s decision to drop Woods from the most recent of their continuing line of edgy campaigns follows what is now widely believed to have been a threatened defamation lawsuit from Woods’ lawyers after it was revealed that PETA intended to erect a satirical billboard advertisement featuring Woods.

The Woods billboard was to feature the tag line, “Too much sex can be a bad thing….for little tigers too. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay or neuter!”

Despite Woods repeatedly defaming himself by his own words and deeds — and clearly being fair game for the media and other organizations desiring to exercise their rights to free speech regarding public figures — PETA apparently backed down from a challenge by Woods’ fleet of attorneys when it was evident that they could make an equally strong and compelling point by poking a proverbial ‘stick in the eye’ of the much deserving Sanford.

A PETA spokesperson commented, “Hey, we got lots of free publicity on this one, and it enabled us to highlight the tragic plight of countless unwanted, unloved and often abused or destroyed animals in the U.S., simply by announcing our intention to heap more well-deserved scorn upon Woods as a fallen public figure who abused the trust and the goodwill of millions. That worked out very well for us and even better for our helpless four-legged friends!”

Sanford’s disappearance made international headlines for several days last June when he suddenly and mysteriously disappeared in order to spend some quality time in Argentina with his lover and “soul-mate.” His vanishing act left his wife, family, staff, and ultimately the nation, wildly speculating about his whereabouts.

The extensive public derision and international fame he has achieved since that time for his sexual transgressions (culminating with a judge granting his now ex-wife — Jenny Sanford — a divorce on Friday), gives PETA plenty of latitude for mockery of him as the replacement for Woods.

The PETA spokesperson added, “…Sanford, as yet another in a long line of fallen public figures, makes an ideal substitution for Woods in our new ad campaign. As you may recall, when Sanford’s loyal staffers covered for him by informing the media that he was hiking alone along the Appalachian Trail, many assumed that his disappearance meant that he had been mauled and eaten by a bear. At this point, he probably wishes that he had been mauled and eaten by a bear rather than having to endure the steady pecking, ridicule and mockery that has been coming at him from the mainstream media and bloggers alike. We’re thinking of going with the slogan, “Your dog doesn’t have to go to South America to get laid. Help keep your cats (and dogs) out of trouble: Always spay or neuter!”

Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy!

Mark Sanford parody on YouTube (with apologies to the beleaguered citizens of South Carolina)

¶ Posted 28 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf § SOCIETY § SPORTS ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: abuse of trust, ad campaign, advertising, animal rights, Appalachian Trail, Argentina, attorney, bear, billboard, blogger, cat, defamation, derision, disappearance, divorce, dog, fallen public figures, four-legged, free speech, goodwill, Governor, hiking, international headlines, Jenny Sanford, lawsuit, lawyer, legal, lover, mainstream media, Mark Sanford, maul, media, mockery, neuter, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, pet, PETA, philandering, poster boy, public derision, public figures, publicity, ridicule, rights, satire, scorn, sex, sexual transgressions, slogan, soul-mate, South America, South Carolina, spay, speculation, spokesperson, stick in the eye, tiger, Tiger Woods, tragic, trust, vanishing act

Holland America disappointed by minor tsunami in Hawaii, looks forward to Indian Ocean typhoon season

Holland America disappointed by minor tsunami in Hawaii, looks forward to Indian Ocean typhoon season

February 27, 2010

by shf

SEATTLE, Wash. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Despite being clearly disappointed that the tsunami in Hawaii did not live up to their eager anticipation and expectations earlier today, senior executives at Holland America Lines — based in Seattle, Washington — were congratulating themselves heartily for the responsiveness of their contingency planning department for recognizing and immediately seizing upon exploiting a potential revenue-generating opportunity following the devastating 8.8 magnitutude Chilean earthquake.

Repeating portions — with minor revisions — of the statement issued earlier in the day, a Holland America Lines spokesperson from the Office of the President noted, “We were looking at immediately diverting at least one, and possibly two, of our aging fleet of ships to the Hawaiian Islands to take advantage of the booming trend in Disaster Zone Cruising. Look at how popular RCL’s Labadee Beach cruises were in Haiti last month during such a devastating earthquake that killed over 200,00 people. It remains clear to us that our affluent and adventure-seeking clientele, based upon the success of our SS Veendam’s Mexican Riviera Hurricane Cruises last October, would have been clamoring for Hawaiian Tsunami cruises. This is an emerging, high-dollar trend in our industry.”

Holland America is determined not to be outdone by rival Royal Caribbean Lines’ successful Disaster Zone Cruises to Haiti during last month’s devastating earthquake.

The Holland America spokesperson added, “we’re viewing today’s mobilization as a live drill, and as a result we’re now much better prepared to realign our fleet to take advantage of the upcoming cyclone season in the Indian Ocean. We’re certainly planning to make port calls in Bangladesh as soon as that first category 3 or greater typhoon hits. Why should Royal Caribbean Lines get all of the action?”

¶ Posted 27 February 2010 § shf § WORLD ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 8.8 magnitutude Chilean earthquake, Bangladesh, category 3, Chile, Chilean earthquake, contingency plan, disaster, Disaster Zone Cruising, earthquake, haiti, Hawaii, Hawaii tsunami, Holland America, hurricane, Hurricane Cruise, Indian Ocean, Labadee, Mexican Riviera, revenue-generating opportunity, Royal Caribbean Lines, Seattle Washington, SS Veendam, trends, tsunami, tsunami cruise, typhoon, typhoon season

Tsunami Cruises to Hawaii, latest trend in Disaster Zone Cruising

Tsunami Cruises to Hawaii, latest trend in Disaster Zone Cruising

February 27, 2010

by shf

SEATTLE, Wash. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Determined not to be outdone by rival Royal Caribbean Lines’ successful Disaster Zone Cruises to Haiti during last month’s devastating earthquake, Holland America Lines — based in Seattle, Washington — is rapidly mobilizing contingency plans to take advantage of the tsumumi striking the Hawaiian Islands within the hour.

Said a Holland America Lines spokesperson from the Office of the President, “We are looking at immediately diverting at least one, and hopefully two, of our aging fleet of ships to the Hawaiian Islands to take advantage of the booming trend in Disaster Zone Cruising. Look at how popular RCL’s Labadee Beach cruises were in Haiti last month during such a devastating earthquake that killed over 200,00 people. It is clear to us that our affluent and adventure-seeking clientele, based upon the success of our SS Veendam’s Mexican Riviera Hurricane Cruises last October, will be clamoring for these Hawaiian Tsunami cruises. This is an emerging high-dollar trend in our industry.”

Commented wannnabe U.S. President, Sarah Palin, on Fox News this morning, “Who gives a damn about elitist Hawaii anyway. When I’m President of these United States of America, I plan to trade Hawaii to China in exchage for wiping out our debt to them anyhow.”

¶ Posted 27 February 2010 § shf § WORLD ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Chilean earthquake, China, contingency plan, disaster, Disaster Zone Cruising, earthquake, elitist, Fox News, haiti, Hawaii, Hawaii tsunami, Holland America, hurricane, Hurricane Cruise, Labadee, Mexican Riviera, Palin, President, Royal Caribbean Lines, Sarah Palin, Seattle Washington, SS Veendam, trends, tsunami, tsunami cruise, U.S. foreign debt

Cuss Free Week coming to California

$frack$

Cuss Free Week coming to California

February 25, 2010

by shf

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Despite the massive budgetary disaster that threatens to sink California deep into the Pacific, State Assemblyman Anthony Portantino (D-La Canada Flintridge) flagrantly wasted taxpayers time and money this morning by introducing legislation to consider making next week a statewide profanity-free week.

He was rewarded for this ludicrous behavior with the Assembly approving a ceremonial resolution this morning, pronouncing the first week of March as a “Cuss Free Week.”

“Just when you thought that us Democrats couldn’t get any stupider, and give the GOP any more ammunition against us, one of us pulls a dumbass, shithead stunt like this!,” howled a long-time Democratic loyalist, “WTF was Portantino thinking using precious legislative time and resources under the scrutinizing gaze of rightfully pissed-off taxpayers in this state, especially when there are all kinds of critical obstructionist issues we need to be advancing to thwart the GOP?”

He added, “What is all this bullshit he’s talking about ‘wondering why we behave differently when grandma is watching than when we’re on our own?’ Is this any way to spend taxpayer money…introducing anti-cussing resolutions? My grandma uses the F word every single day of her life and she’s a kickass 92 year-old who can make a sailor blush. She claims that cussing vents her anger and keeps her feeling young and hip. She uses the F word as a noun, a verb, an adjective, whatever.”

This is not the first time that the California legislature has wasted taxpayer money on such foolishness. In 2007, the word “hell” was used in the Senate chambers and senators spent part of the day voting to debate on the appropriateness of using that word on the Senate floor. They ultimately agreed to disagree, wasting a hell of a lot of taxpayer resources in the process.

Now, that’s what good government is all about.

¶ Posted 25 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Anthony Portantino, blush, budgetary disaster, California, California State Assembly, cursing, Cuss Free Week, cussing, debate, Democrats, dumbass, F word, GOP, grandma, hell, La Canada Flintridge, legislation, legislature, profanity, Republicans, resolution, Sacramento, shithead, State Senate, swearing, taxpayers

Plushenko awarded Polonium-210 medal

Plushenko awarded Polonium-210 medal

February 24, 2010

by shf

VANCOUVER, B.C. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Olympic figure skater, and classless sore loser, Evgeni Plushenko was unanimously awarded a Polonium-210 medal in Vancouver yesterday.

The special medal was awarded to the Russian skater for exhibiting extremely disrespectful behavior towards the International Olympic Committee and towards his fellow competitors.

Said an Olympian who insisted upon anonymity, “he scored a perfect ’10′ with his disrespectful and obscene behavior, so being awarded the first ever Olympic Polonium-210 medal makes an appropriate compliment to the fabricated Platinum medal that he awarded himself… and hey, after the IOC strips him of his Silver medal for unsportsmanlike conduct, at least he’ll have this one to remember his Olympic experience by for a few short days.”

¶ Posted 24 February 2010 § shf § SPORTS ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: awards, Canada, classless, Evgeni Plushenko, figure skating, International Olympic committee, IOC, medals, Olympics, platinum medal, Plushenko, Polonium-210, Russian, silver medal, skating, sore loser, unsportsmanlike conduct, Vancouver

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, Toyota apologist

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, Toyota apologist

February 24, 2010

by shf

JACKSON, Miss. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour elaborated on assertions made in his Toyota op-ed piece appearing in The Washington Post this morning, directly placing full blame for the Toyota fiasco on President Obama and his cadre of liberal lawmakers in Congress for their continued insistance on having any safety standards whatsoever for vehicles sold in the United States.

Barbour commented in his op-ed piece, “I hope that our so-called President and his socialist majority in Congress will resist the temptation to attack Toyota simply to advance the interests of American competitors. With two House committees and one in the Senate preparing for hearings on Toyota’s safety issues, I worry that there has been a rush to judgment. The way that Congress and the Obama administration respond to this controversy will have real economic consequences for my state. If Toyota has to adhere to any safety standards whatsoever, then that sets a dangerous precedent for all employers in Mississippi.”

Barbour continued, “Toyota is investing $1.3 billion to build a Prius assembly plant in Mississippi that will provide good jobs to more than 2,000 new Toyota team workers plus some 2,500 supplier jobs. I’m term-limited from running for Governor of this backwater state again, and I’m banking heavily on the ill-informed voters of Mississippi sending me to Washington to represent them in Congress — and better yet, The White House — in a couple of years on an economic platform of jobs over safety. That’s how we do it in Mississippi, and what’s good for Mississippi is good for America.”

¶ Posted 24 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: America, apologist, assembly plant, attack, automobiles, backwater, blame, car, Congress, dangerous precedent, economic consequences, economy, employers, fiasco, Haley Barbour, hearings, House of Representatives, ill-informed voters, jobs, jobs over safety, lawmakers, liberals, Mississippi, Obama, Obama administration, President Obama, Prius, Republicans, safety, safety standards, Senate, socialist, term-limit, Toyota, vehicles, voters, Washington, White House

Limbaugh issues statement on Cheney cardiac episode

Limbaugh issues statement on Cheney cardiac episode

Febraury 23, 2010

by shf

WASHINGTON (FASTLAUGH.com) — Bloviating archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh quickly took to the airwaves this afternoon to issue the following statement regarding former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent cardiac episode:

“First, let me assure you — my loyal and obediant servants — that my dear friend, former U.S. President, er, I mean Vice President, Dick Cheney is resting comfortably at George Washington University Hospital this afternoon following his recent cardiac episode.

Mr. Cheney was rushed to the hospital yesterday after experiencing chest pains and quickly underwent a stress test. Following that, a heart catheterization was attempted to diagnosis the source of his chest pain.

Much like my recent experience in Hawaii during the Christmas holidays, Mr. Cheney experienced excruciating chest pains, the likes of which should only happen to liberals! … and just like the results from my hospitalization and testing, it was confirmed that he has Phantom Heart Syndrome.

Mr. Cheney’s results conclusively revealed that his autonomic nervous system, triggered by some vestigial emotion from his annual Valentine’s Day romp a few days ago, had caused him to experience an episode of Phantom Heart Syndrome.

Both of us being rich, pampered white guys with great medical insurance are certainly assured of getting top-notch medical care, and our odds of survival are significantly better than those liberals with their socialized medicine and death panels would ever, ever allow.

When we both sold our souls years ago, our hearts went along with it as part of the package deal. This Phantom Heart thing really hurts, let me tell you! I just hope that neither of us ever experiences a pain like that again, especially where our conscience’s used to be.

Again, in an eerie parallel of my own experience, his pain was real and the tests revealed that he had a spasm in the cavity where his heart used to be. But the good news is that doctors found no trace of heart. What a blessing. They found absolutely no heart. No heart whatsoever.

[Rush Limbaugh is the most influential conservative voice in the U.S. according to a recent poll, and has the nation's highest-rated radio show with an estimated audience of between 14 and 20 million people listening to his screed at least once a week.]

¶ Posted 23 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: airwaves, archconservative, audience, autonomic nervous system, blessings, bloviate, cardiac, catheterization, Cheney, chest pain, Christmas, conscience, conservative, death panels, diagnosis, doctors, emotions, Hawaii, Healthcare, heart, heart attack, holiday season, hospital, liberals, listeners, medical insurance, medical tests, odds of survival, pain, pampered white guys, Phantom Heart Syndrome, polls, radio, radio host, ratings, rich white guys, Rush Limbaugh, screeds, socialized medicine, soul, spasms, stress test, Valentine's Day, vestigial emotions

Toyota dealership unaware of recall

Toyota dealership unaware of recall

February 23, 2010

by shf

TORRANCE, Calif. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Despite rabid media and congressional attention focused on the massive failures of Toyota Motor Corp. for a host of safety issues, at least one Toyota dealership in Southern California was in the dark regarding details of the recall of millions of vehicles, to the point of not even knowing that some of their vehicles were in the recall process.

“This is one of the most underreported aspects of the entire Toyota fiasco,” claims a justifiably upset owner of a 2005 Prius. “When I went into my local Toyota dealership to inquire about the timetable for repairing the dangerous vehicle defect related to the accelerator pedal, unbelievably, the service department engaged in a semantic game over the word interim and brusquely informed me that my vehicle had no safety issues under recall despite the fact that I presented them with a Safety Recall Campaign Interim Notice (which included my vehicle’s serial number) from Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A., Inc.”

Now, as federal prosecutors initiate a criminal investigation into pervasive safety problems with Toyota’s vehicles, and congressional hearings are underway to determine who knew what and when, Akio Toyoda, grandson of the company’s founder, testified to Congress today that “for the last several years we haven’t given a shit about our customers and we haven’t given a shit about effectively communicating with our dealer network. It has all been about growth, putting profits and ego over customer safety, and overtaking General Motors at the expense of lives, reputations, safety and legality. Oops, did I just say that to Congress… Uhhh, ummm, is that going to be an admissible statement in a courtroom since it was not an apology?”

Mr. Toyoda’s statements were presented against the backdrop of a horde of nervous U.S. Toyota dealers descending upon Washington today in a blatant attempt to lobby and frighten lawmakers with the reality that Toyota provides jobs in all of their congressional districts despite a growing anger and extreme distaste by the American public for Toyota’s outrageous violations of safety and blatant disregard for business ethics.

¶ Posted 23 February 2010 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: accelerator pedal, anger, auto dealership, automobile, car, Congress, congressional district, criminal investigation, defect, ethics, Fail Whale, failure, fiasco, General Motors, GM, jobs, lawmakers, lobbyist, media, Prius, profits, recall, safety, semantics, Toyota, Twitter, vehicle

Fiorina’s next Demon Ruminant attack ad to accuse Campbell of being a Yaks and Spend Republican

The wayward campaign of U.S. Senate aspirant Carly Fiorina, a California Republican, is preparing another confounding demon ruminant ad featuring Republican Tom Campbell as a Demon Yak in an ad titled Yaks and Spend Republicans.

Fiorina’s next Demon Ruminant attack ad to accuse Campbell of being a Yaks and Spend Republican

February 8, 2010

by shf

[...] Unaltered photo (MPR Photo/Ambar Espinoza) @ http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2008/12/19/yak_farmer/

¶ Posted 08 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: attack ad, California, campaigns, candidates, Carly, Carly Fiorina, conservatives, deception, deceptive advertising, demon sheep, demon yak, Fiorina, humor in advertising, internet ads, pandering, Republicans, right-wing, ruminants, Senate, sheep, Tax and Spend Republican, Tom Campbell, yak, Yaks and Spend Republican

Palin 2012 T-shirt, MY HEART BELONGS TO A PALM READER, selling briskly

Palin 2012 campaign T-shirts, emblazoned with MY HEART BELONGS TO A PALM READER, were selling briskly at the Tea Party Convention in Nashville, TN this weekend soon after Sarah Palin blatantly TelePalmed her way through a Q&A session.

Palin 2012 T-shirt, MY HEART BELONGS TO A PALM READER, selling briskly

February 7, 2010

by shf

FASTLAUGH.com

[...] T-shirt with the slogan MY HEART BELONGS TO A PALM READER (minus the Sarah Palin image and the Palin 2012 text) @ cafepress.com

¶ Posted 07 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 2012 presidential campaign, cheater, conservative, crib notes, GOP, Nashville, Palin, Palin 2012, palm, Palm Reader, POTUS, Presidency, Republicans, Sarah Palin, T-shirts, Tea Party Convention, TelePalm

Fiorina’s Sheep ad fleeces facts

Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina fleeced the facts when she pandered to the far right with her recent internet Sheep ad. (Photo SF Gate)

Fiorina’s Sheep ad fleeces facts

February 7, 2010

by shf

SAN FRANCISCO (FASTLAUGH.com) — Republican Senate candidate Carly Fiorina fleeced the facts when she pandered to the far right with her recent internet Sheep ad in a desperate and transparent bid to use humor as a cover for her deception, and to ingratiate herself with the Republican party’s conservative base.

Fiorina trails her purported closet big spender Republican opponent Tom Campbell in the U.S. Senate race, and is now resigned to her campaign hanging in the balance on the success or failure of deceptive advertising featuring ruminants such as sheep.

“Before this ad campaign, I never knew that there were so many mammals that digested plant-based food by initially softening it within their first stomach,” she marveled to reporters at her campaign’s press conference on Friday afternoon in Oakland, “Now, my campaign has several more ruminant attack ads against Campbell in the pipeline, variously featuring cattle, goats, giraffes, bison, water buffalo, deer, camels, alpacas, llamas, wildebeest, antelope, pronghorn, nilgai, and yak. I think that of all of the upcoming ads, the yak one is going to be the funniest of all. Campbell is portrayed as the wannabe leader of a flock of Yaks and Spend Republicans.”

When gently corrected by an aide that yak travel in herds and not flocks, Fiorina snarled, “Whatever! Herds, flocks, packs… the point is that I said it with conviction and that’s what people who don’t think independently for themselves want… a leader who speaks boisterously with conviction regardles of whether they have a command of facts and reality or not.”

¶ Posted 07 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: alpacas, antelope, attack ad, bison, camels, campaigns, candidates, Carly, Carly Fiorina, cattle, conservatives, deception, deceptive advertising, deer, demon sheep, Fiorina, fleece, giraffes, goats, humor in advertising, internet ads, llamas, mammals, nilgai, Oakland CA, pandering, press conference, pronghorn, Republicans, right-wing, ruminants, Senate, sheep, Tom Campbell, water buffalo, wildebeest, yak

Edwards sex tape leaked

Former North Carolina senator, 2004 Democratic vice presidential nominee, and 2008 presidential wannabe John Edwards, appearing on NBC's Meet the Press to discuss the image boost he hopes to get from his leaked sex tape. (U.S. Congress photo in the public domain)

Edwards sex tape leaked

February 07, 2010

by shf

PITTSBORO, N.C. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Superior Court Judge Abraham Penn Jones sternly demanded under threat of contempt that Andrew Young, sycophant former aide to two-time presidential candidate John Edwards, relinquish to his court by next Wednesday, the flagrante delicto video featuring Edwards and his then-pregnant mistress Rielle Hunter that Young has stashed in an Atlanta safety deposit box in hopes of cashing in.

The high-definition, highly-explicit sex video featuring the pregnant Hunter and the impecably-coiffed Edwards sporting one of his trademark $400 haircuts, is sure to be an instant viral hit on YouTube within days, displacing Pants on the Ground as the newest must-see video to distract the U.S. citizenry from focusing on real issues of substance and importance.

As specific details of the supposedly unseen sex vid began leaking, D.C. tattoo parlor Red Ink tipped FASTLAUGH to watch for revelations that Hunter sports a large, multi-colored tramp stamp of Edwards’ favorite brush and comb set.

¶ Posted 07 February 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Andrew Young, Atlanta, citizenry, coiffed, comb, comtempt of court, court, Democrats, distractions, flagrante delicto, hairbrush, haircut, John Edwards, mistress, Pants on the Ground, pregnant mistress, presidential candidate, Red Ink, Rielle Hunter, safety deposit box, sex, sex tape, sycophant, tattoo, tattoo parlor, tramp stamp, viral video, YouTube

Clunkers for Toyotas

Federal government announces multi-billion dollar emergency bailout program, redistributing its massive stockpile of Cash for Clunkers cars back to U.S. consumers in exchange for their defective Toyotas, in a Clunkers for Toyotas program.

Clunkers for Toyotas

February 5, 2010

by shf

WASHINGTON (FASTLAUGH.com) — The Obama administration smacked the smug off the corporate face of Japanese auto giant Toyota this afternoon, holding an emergency press conference to announce an unprecedented relief program for U.S. consumers stuck with defective Toyota vehicles.

U.S. Department of Transportation Deputy Secretary John D. Porcari, reading from a prepared statement, announced the emergency program while his boss, Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, stood muted behind him wearing a hastily obtained star-spangled muzzle borrowed from the Obama’s dog, Bo.

Porcari boasted that the administration had long been aware of, and anticipated, the looming Toyota implosion, and it correctly hedged that there would be a huge demand for replacement vehicles when the decision to stockpile hundreds of thousands of Cash for Clunkers cars was made last year.

“Who’s looking smart now?” Porcari quipped, “Not only did the administration get to spend billions of stimulus dollars getting those cars off the road, but now we’re gonna spend billions more stimulus dollars putting them back on the road to replace a whole lot of defective Toyotas. Plus, the administration gets to toss a meaty bone to the extreme right by returning all of these low MPG behemoths to the highways to replace a bunch of out-of-control Priuses, or Prii, or Priora or whatever the hell is plural for Prius! That should appease the Drill, Baby, Drill crowd for a while.”

Meanwhile, upon hearing news of the U.S. bailout of his beloved employer, Takeshi Ichihashi, Toyota’s Senior Executive Vice-President of Design and Manufacturing for Accelerator Pedal Assembly Friction Devices, apologized profusely to his fellow employees and countrymen before ritually leaping from the rooftop of Toyota’s corporate headquarters building in Toyota City, Japan.

¶ Posted 05 February 2010 § BUSINESS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Accelerator Pedal Assembly Friction Devices, Auto industry, automobile, billion dollar, Bo (Obama's dog), cars, Cash for Clunkers, Clunkers for Toyotas, consumers, defective, Department of Transportation, Drill Baby Drill, emergency bailout, federal government, gas-guzzlers, government, Japan, John D. Porcari, muzzle, Obama administration, oil, Prius, Ray LaHood, right-wing, ritual suicide, stimulus funds, stockpile, Toyota, Transportation Secretary

Zsa Zsa as California’s First Princess?

Prince Frederic von Anhalt, 65, held a news conference in West Hollywood on Monday to unveil a huge billboard of himself outfitted as a Park Avenue doorman, and to announce his quixotic independent campaign to succeed Arnold Schwarzenegger as California's governor so that he can install his ailing 92-year old wife as California's First Princess. (Uncredited photo)

Zsa Zsa as California’s First Princess?

January 25, 2010

by shf

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Hungarian-born actress and socialite Zsa Zsa Gabor’s ninth husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, 65, held a news conference in West Hollywood on Monday to unveil a huge billboard of himself outfitted as a Park Avenue doorman, and to announce his quixotic independent campaign to succeed Arnold Schwarzenegger as California’s governor so that he can install his ailing 92-year old wife as California’s First Princess.

von Anhalt is a German-born socialite who lacks political experience but is exceptionally well-versed in screwing with the media’s head. His knack for this was well-demonstrated in 2007 during the sordid aftermath of former Playboy magazine model Anna Nicole Smith’s death, as he boasted of carrying on a 10-year affair with her and that he likely fathered her baby daughter.

Von Anhalt is a self-described longtime Republican who is fiscally conservative but socially liberal. He supports broad amnesty for illegal immigrants, gay marriage rights, and the legalization of marijuana.

His campaign released its pro-marijuana theme song today, with cop-slapping spouse Zsa Zsa reprising the role sung by her late sister, Eva, warbling the part of Lisa Douglas for the earworm theme song from the 60s sitcom, Green Acres.

Sacramento is the place for me.
Politikin’ is the life for me.
Land spreadin’ out so far and wide
Legalized pot grown out in the countryside.

Bel Air [wheeze] is where I decay.
I’m [wheeze] a 92 year-old cliche.
I just adore [wheeze] that I’m even still alive.
Dah-ling [wheeze] I love you [wheeze] but give me Rodeo Drive.

…The whores.
…The stores.
…The props.
…Slap cops.

You are my wife.
Good bye, Bel Air life.
The headlines, we are there.

¶ Posted 26 January 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: 60s sitcoms, affairs, amnesty, Anna Nicole Smith, babies, Belair, billboard, broad amnesty, California, campaign, cop-slapping, countryside, daughters, doorman, earworm, Eva Gabor, farming, fiscally conservative, gay marraige, German-born, Governor, Green Acres, headline-seeking, illegal immigrants, legalization of marijuana, Lisa Douglas, marijuana, news conference, Park Avenue, Playboy magazine, POLITICS, pot, prince, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, princess, props, quixotic, Republicans, Rodeo Drive, Sacramento, Schwarzenegger, sitcoms, slap cops, socialite, socially liberal, stores, theme songs, whores, Zsa Zsa Gabor

Leno wangles chance to bomb in former slot

Wangling late-night yacker Jay Leno returns to his former 11:35 p.m. time slot on NBC on March 1 following an ego-busting foray into NBC’s weeknight prime-time slate. (U.S. Government photo in the public domain)

Leno wangles chance to bomb in former slot

January 22, 2010

by shf

BURBANK, Calif. (FASTLAUGH.com) — Affiliates 1, NBC 0, Conan $45,000,000.

Shortly after reaching a forty-five million dollar exit deal with Conan O’Brien, and yielding to a withering firestorm from burned affiliates earlier this month, panicked NBC executives yesterday revealed their latest scheme to restore wangling late-night yacker Jay Leno to his former 11:35 p.m. time slot following an ego-busting foray into NBC’s weeknight prime-time slate.

Leno returns to Tonight on March 1 to dish his brand of stale drivel to an ever-shrinking fan-base who will now be ninety minutes more tired than the trickle of watchers he has bored to sleep in prime-time for the last five months.

Deeply perturbed and openly rebellious affiliates have experienced plunging viewership and advertising revenues for their late local newscasts since The Jay Leno Show premiered, despite vehement assurances from NBC that Leno’s move to prime-time would deliver a more robust lead-in audience for their late local newscasts.

Lacking confidence in NBC for its reversal of fortune in primetime, several disgruntled stations sparked NBC’s abrupt flip by threatening to dump The Jay Leno Show entirely, and instead air infomercials and decades-old M*A*S*H reruns during the last hour of primetime each evening as a more dependable lead-in to their late news.

Commenting on his network’s latest face-saving attempt for itself and Leno, Jeff Gaspin, chairman of NBC Universal Television Entertainment, indicated that “…a large number of affiliates had proposed an alternative scenario to restoring Leno to late-night — one that is actually still being actively considered — that may eventually just have us throwing in the towel and plugging Leno directly into their local late night newscasts as packaged, thirty-second interstitials since it appears that’s the maximum duration he can hold anyone’s interest now.”

¶ Posted 22 January 2010 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: advertising, advertising revenue, affiliates, attention-span, audience, boredom, Burbank, Conan O’Brien, drivel, ego, ENTERTAINMENT, executives, face-saving, infomercials, interstitials, Jay Leno, Jeff Gaspin, late-night, Leno, local news, M*A*S*H, NBC, NBC Universal Television Entertainment, newscast, prime-time, reruns, revenue, Tonight Show, TV, viewership, yacker

Edwards confesses paternity, continues denials of campaign fund misuse

John Edwards is now a leading contender for FastLaugh's 2010 Colossally Unrecoverable Fall From Grace Award, following his admission today of fathering a child with his mistress while his wife, Elizabeth, was valiantly battling incurable cancer. Edwards finished fourth with 9% of the vote in 2009. Past winners include Tiger Woods (2009) and Bernie Madoff (2008). (U.S. Congress photo in the public domain)

Edwards confesses paternity, continues denials of campaign fund misuse

January 21, 2010

by shf

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (FASTLAUGH.com) – With his credibility irrevocably shattered after finally admitting this morning that he fathered a child with his mistress while his wife was valiantly battling incurable cancer, former North Carolina senator and failed presidential candidate John Edwards continues to find himself staring down the barrel of a federal grand jury probe into whether he misused funds from his quixotic campaign in 2006 to claim the Democratic nomination for president.

Despite Edwards’ repeated denials of any campaign finance wrongdoings related to paying off Rielle Hunter in an attempt to ensure her silence about their affair and love child, his sudden admission of paternity today after such a protracted denial reinforces the public view of him — that he is exceptionally gifted at self-delusion.

“I am Quinn’s father,” Edwards declared, confirming the public’s belief that Frances Quinn Hunter, the nearly 2-year-old daughter of his former mistress, is his child.

Addressing the likelihood of a long prison sentence if convicted of campaign fund misuse — and its impact on his young daughter — Edwards said in a statement, “It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter, and hopefully one day if I ever get out of prison after this campaign fund mess… when she understands, she will forgive me. I have been able to spend time with Quinn during the past year, knowing that I may not get to see her very much over the years. The good news, though, is that she’s got my beautiful, lustrous hair! Hopefully my new cellmate enjoys combing and brushing my hair as much as I do!”

¶ Posted 21 January 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: affair, Bernie Madoff, brush (hair), campaign, campaign finance, cancer, cellmate, comb (hair), confession, credibility, daughter, Democratic, Democrats, denials, Elizabeth Edwards, fall from grace, federal grand jury, hair, John Edwards, love child, lustrous hair, mistress, nomination, North Carolina, paternity, POLITICS, presidential candidate, prison, Quinn, quixotic, Rielle Hunter, self-delusion, senator, silence, Tiger Woods

Labadee, Ladeedah

Just 135 km from the widespread devastation and death in Port-au-Prince, passengers from a Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines ship anchored off Labadee Beach frolic in the sea while discussing their dinner choices of filet mignon and lobster. (AP Photo)

Labadee, Ladeedah

January 20, 2010

by shf

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti (FASTLAUGH.com) – Royal Caribbean International fired back at its critics today for challenging its decision to continue port calls on its private Labadee resort located just 135 km from the horrific scenes of death and devastation in Port-au-Prince.

Royal Caribbean’s President and CEO, Adam Goldstein, in defending his company’s strategic direction today, emphasized that his cruise line had long been propping up the Haitian economy anyway before the disaster.

He further insisted that, “People enjoying themselves in Labadee helps with relief… Our pampered cruisers are leaving cash and clear consciences behind in Haiti after sunning on the beach, frolicking in the sea, and enjoying barbeque and cocktails in an insular, sanitized environment where they don’t have to witness tens of thousands of dead people being piled up on the streets, or stunned and injured survivors desperately searching for food, water, and family members.”

Goldstein expressed remorse that one of his cruise ship’s guests, a rather mean-spirited satirist who had been gulping jumbo mojitos all day long at the swim-up bar, bellowed some very insensitive lyrics during poolside karaoke to “Labadee, Ladeedah,” an ill-timed parody set to the tune of The Beatles, “Obladi, Oblada,” that regrettably has Desmond and his barrow not faring well at all in a Port-au-Prince marketplace.

Royal Caribbean’s Disaster Zone Cruises to Haiti are proving to be such a big hit with guests that company executives are rapidly formulating possible itineraries for this year’s Caribbean hurricane season, as well as for this year’s typhoon season in the Indian Ocean — adding a port of call in Bangladesh.

Disaster Zone Cruising appears to be a positive trend in the cruise industry, with Holland America Lines — one of Royal Caribbean’s chief competitors — having had great success using its aging SS Veendam for Mexican Riviera Hurricane Cruises this past October.

¶ Posted 20 January 2010 § shf § WORLD ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: angels, Bangladesh, bar, barbeque, beach, Beatles, cocktails, cruise, death, Desmond, desperation, devastation, disaster, earthquake, economy, family, food, haiti, heaven, Holland America, hurricane, karaoke, Labadee, lyrics, Mexican Riviera, Mexico, mojito, Obladi Oblada, parody, Port-au-Prince, resorts, Royal Caribbean, rubble, satirist, sun, survivors, swim-up bar, tanning, typhoon, Veendam, water

Healthcare reform in hypocritical condition

Healthcare reform remains in hypocritical condition as Congress haggles over reconciling Senate and House bills. (U.S. Government photo in the public domain)

Healthcare reform in hypocritical condition

by shf

January 10, 2010

WASHINGTON (FASTLAUGH.com) — Congress further dilutes healthcare reform as the usual partisan hacks point fingers and hurl accusations at each other for meaningless political gain over the day’s talking points and news cycle… That says it all for the moment.

¶ Posted 10 January 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Democrats, Healthcare, House of Representatives, hypocrisy, Republicans, Senate, U.S. Congress

Limbaugh: Tests confirm no heart, “Phantom Heart Syndrome”

Archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh, smugging for the camera, in this Palm Beach County Florida Sheriff's Office booking photo from his April 2006 arrest on drug charges. (Florida Government photo in the public domain)

Limbaugh: Tests confirm no heart, “Phantom Heart Syndrome”

by shf

January 3, 2010

HONOLULU (FASTLAUGH.com) – Archconservative U.S. radio host Rush Limbaugh took to the airwaves this morning to assure his faithful listeners that he was on the mend following two days of testing and hospitalization upon experiencing what he characterized as “…excruciating chest pains, the likes of which should only happen to liberals!”

Limbaugh, 58, experienced sharp chest pains early Wednesday morning during his daily warm-up bloviation at the shaving mirror.

Vacationing at a nearby Hawaiian resort, he was rushed to The Queen’s Medical Center in Honolulu where an angiogram was quickly administered to attempt a diagnosis of the source of his chest pain.

Results conclusively revealed that Limbaugh’s autonomic nervous system, triggered by some vestigial emotion during the holiday season, had caused him to experience an episode of Phantom Heart Syndrome.

Limbaugh, the most influential conservative voice in the U.S. according to a recent poll, has the nation’s highest-rated radio show with an estimated audience of between 14 and 20 million people listening to his screed at least once a week.

“The pain was real, and at first the doctors were not quite sure what had triggered it,” Limbaugh told listeners, “…then the tests revealed that I had a spasm in the cavity where my heart used to be. But the good news is that doctors found no trace of heart. They found absolutely no heart. It was a blessing. No heart whatsoever.”

Limbaugh added, “When I sold my soul years ago, my heart went along with it as part of the package deal. This Phantom Heart thing really hurt! I just hope that I never experience a pain like that again, especially where my conscience used to be.”

¶ Posted 03 January 2010 § POLITICS § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: airwaves, angiogram, archconservative, audience, autonomic nervous system, blessings, bloviate, chest pain, Christmas, conscience, conservative, diagnosis, doctors, emotions, Hawaii, Healthcare, heart, holiday season, Honolulu, hospital, liberals, listeners, medical tests, on the mend, pain, Phantom Heart Syndrome, polls, radio, radio host, ratings, resorts, Rush Limbaugh, screeds, shaving, soul, spasms, vacation, vestigial emotions

MTV scraps plans for South Padre

South Padre Island, TX, residents -- such as this surf fisherman -- welcomed news that MTV pulled the South Padre reality TV series due to new Texas teen tanning law in effect on January 1, 2010. (photo in the public domain)

MTV scraps plans for South Padre

by shf

January 1, 2010

NEW YORK (FASTLAUGH.com) – MTV abruptly announced yesterday that it had scrapped plans for the new reality show, South Padre, modeled after its hit series Jurzee Shore, due to a new Texas law placing heavy restrictions on teen tanning that goes into effect today.

South Padre had been envisioned as a younger-skewing extension of the controversial Jurzee Shore franchise, but development executives at MTV were clearly caught off guard yesterday upon learning of, and then misinterpreting, the new law requiring teenagers to have parental consent when going to tanning beds in Texas.

MTV’s sudden announcement was triggered as the consequence of several of its Twitter-obsessed staffers tweeting and then retweeting erroneous information about the new Texas law.

What started out as as an internal advisory alerting that “Texans between ages 16 1/2 and 18 must provide consent forms signed by their parent or legal guardian in order to use tanning beds,” rapidly morphed into the frantic, “Teenagers must be accompanied by their parents when going to tanning beds in Texas.”

An anonymous MTV executive, closely associated with the show and still stunned by this development, confided that “…MTV had been looking towards leveraging the Jurzee Shore franchise into the mid-teen market by featuring a pack of socially-arrested, self-obsessed high school students working on their tans while sharing a spring-break beach house on South Padre Island this March.”

He added, “…we didn’t count on Texas passing a stupid law requiring teens to bring their mommies and daddies with them when they tan. That kinda makes for crappy TV, and MTV won’t make crappy TV.”

South Padre Island, Texas, had been selected as an ideal location for extending the Jurzee Shore formula due to the vast pool of socially-arrested, self-obsessed teens living in Texas.

¶ Posted 01 January 2010 § ENTERTAINMENT § shf ‡ Comments Off ° Tagged: Gulf Coast, Jersey Shore, Jurzee, Jurzee Shore, laws, MTV, New Jersey, South Padre Island, tanning, Teens, Texas, TV

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